Chillin' with the cat

It's been a pretty boring day today. We had a really big hail storm, so we couldn't go hang out at the pool or go for a walk. Logan liked watching the hail smack against the windows though. Man, I hate Colorado weather (I can't say it enough).

We've been lounging around, having a pajama day. Logan is really trying his hardest to get up on his knees to crawl. I've been with him on the floor for most of the day to help him practice. Kitty really likes tummy time. She thinks it's an opportunity to cuddle. Here are some pictures of her helping Logan out too.

He's just started to reach out to pet her. It's really cute. He is also rubbing my cheeks & grabbing my nose when we play. He thinks it's pretty funny to "scream" & yell with his hands completely in his mouth today too. At least he's keeping it entertaining around here.

17 weeks old

Logan has a new favorite silly song. Well, it's not that silly, but he likes it when I sing the alphabet. He is still grunting rather than "talking". I don't know if this is a "boy" thing or if he's truly taking after Bill (who moan/grunts in his sleep).

His hands & feet are still constantly in his mouth & his hand/eye coordination in improving daily. When he's playing on the floor, he can pick up his binky & put it in his mouth. He just forgets to let go.

Aside from rolling both ways & in his crib in the middle of the night, now that he is playing on the floor more often, it looks like (as of today) he's trying to get up on his knees. He can also stand for longer periods of time.

He loves to play with the bubbles now & just started playing "peek-a-boo". However, he's still not laughing out loud yet. Even when I tickle-kiss him on his newly found tickle spot (his bottom ribs on the right).

He broke out into a rash on Saturday. We thought it was heat rash, but it hasn't gone away yet. It started out on his legs & torso. I don't think it's really spreading anymore though. I'm seeing if we can wait until his Doctors appointment next week. If not, I'm just going to have to see if we can get in earlier. I have a feeling it's another food allergy issue (probably wheat. Great).

Exactly one year later.
It was the night of Memorial Day 2005 when we found out that I was pregnant. I will never forget the feeling I had when the digital test read "pregnant". I will never forget how I changed as a person the minute Logan was born. I will never forget what life has been like in the last 12 months.

Seeing as though I've already documented my experiences of pregnancy & Logan's birth, I thought it was a good time to make another montage. So get out the tissues (or at least I had to) & maybe a glass of wine, because here is some more baby cheese.

Create your own video at One True Media

Like I don't talk about rolling over enough.
Logan is rolling over like it's his job. What's funny is he started out from front to back, but prefers back to front. Sometimes I wonder if he forgot that he can roll that way. So now we practice more on tummy time than grabbing feet time.

This morning when he woke up to eat, I walked in his room & my jaw dropped. He had rolled over at some point & was on his stomach with his face pushed into the crib slats at the head of the crib, not the side. He was all over the place. Thank God we didn't get crib bumpers.

I finally got some video of him rolling (rather than screaming in frustration). The audio doesn't work, which is fine by me. I prefer not to hear myself cheering him on (even though he likes it). It's pretty cute because after he rolls he looks up at me like, "Look Mom! I did it!"

Logan's first day swimming

The pool in our neighborhood opened this weekend. Thankfully, because it's 92 degrees out too. I've been so excited to take Logan swimming ever since he was born. Considering how much he loves to take a bath, I thought he would love swimming just as much.

He was pretty sleepy when we walked over & he actually fell asleep in the stroller. He woke right up once he got in the water though. He didn't know what to think about it & it took him a little while to get adjusted to the temperature. I think he felt a little odd not being as supported as he is in his bathtub. He was all scrunched up. He eventually straightened out his arms & legs to let loose.

He had a great time just hanging out, floating around & watching all of the other kids splash around us. He kept his hands in his mouth for most of the time, the whole while I'm thinking about the chlorine & other junk he putting in his mouth.

We stayed in the pool for quite a while. He started to grunt after a bit, so I got out & wrapped him up in a towel. He passed out on my chest & I decided to cuddle him & sun tan my legs while we were there. He took a nice little nap & woke up to eat. That was my cue to go home, because honestly, I wasn't about to feed him there. I think we did ok with sun protection for him. I slathered him in SPF 50, kept his wide brimmed hat & sunglasses on. Now that we're home he doesn't look pink & he's so happy. I don't think he's ever smiled this much!

Little Houdini.
Logans' sleeping habits are driving me nuts! He's not sleeping through the night at all & quite frankly, I've given up on the idea. We went to the chiropractor yesterday & their massage therapist has a 4 month old as well. She asked about how many times he gets up. "On a bad night, like this week. Six. On a good night. Three." She told me to start feeing him solids. Um, hello? I've never met you before & you don't know that he has food sensitivities already. Thanks for trying to be his pediatrician. Besides, giving him solids isn't going to guarantee he'll sleep through the night. Plus, I think it's very selfish to feed him solids before he's ready just so I can sleep more. Lack of sleep is part of the deal when you have a baby. So is sacrifice.

I told her that he won't start solids for a while & she asked what I was feeding him. "He's exclusively breast fed". She then looked me up & down like, "really?" Now, I know people are going to give advice wether I like it or not. Usually it doesn't bother me. But for some reason, I wanted to punch this lady. I felt like this because: A. She's telling me something I already know. And: B. Don't look at me like breast feeding is bad. It's a good thing I kept my mouth shut, or we wouldn't have been allowed back to the office.

Logans' sleeping schedule has been getting better though. His bedtime is 8 pm & we're usually on top of it unless I've lost track of time because we're focused on rolling over. His naps are more scheduled now at 10 am & between 3 & 4 pm, respectively. His naps are short though, only sleeping for 20-30 minutes. In a miracle sleep, sometimes he'll stay down for an hour. But again, this is a miracle. He's sleeping in his crib all of the time, except for the couple of times that I let him fall asleep in his Boppy chair on the futon. For the most part he wakes up happy & ready to play. I know he's awake because I can hear him kicking the mattress instead of crying. The problems are happening when he's getting to sleep.

At night, I'll get him dressed, read him a story or two & sing him a few lullabies. Occasionally (much less often now than in the past weeks) he'll realize what's going on when I start to sing & he freaks out. He's been better about this though. Once he's calm, relaxed & drowsy but awake; I'll put him down, giving him his binky & swaddling him. This is where I'm at a loss.

I swaddle him because he always has his hands in his mouth & when he's trying to get to sleep, he gets frustrated that his hands are there & not his binky. So essentially, I use the swaddle like a baby straight jacket that keeps his hands down & his binky in his mouth. He's so freaking strong though it doesn't matter how tight I swaddle him, he still gets out. This process of swaddle, leave & then hear him cry, swaddle, leave & a few minutes later....crying; goes on for 30 minutes. He eventually falls asleep in his swaddle & stays that way until about 9:30-12:00, sometimes until 1 or 2 am.

He's pretty good in the middle of the night after he's nursed. He'll wake up at 2 or 3 am to eat, then I get him swaddled again. It seems he has an automatic response to grabbing his feet when he's on his back, so I have to straighten his legs while getting his arms down & trying to wrap him at the same time. On a bad night, he'll wake up 30 minutes later because he's escaped. So then the process starts all over again. There are times now that I just let him cry it out. If he's fed, changed & just being a little Houdini, I'll let him cry until he either gets hysterical or he's been crying for 20-30 minutes.

He wakes up again somewhere between 5 & 6 am & won't go back to bed. He's usually awake & ready to start the day, but I'm not even close to coming out of my sleep deprived coma. This is when I nurse him & co-sleep in the guest bedroom, where once we are cuddled up together, he will go back to bed. He'll stay asleep until 8 am or, if he wants to sleep in, 10 am. Then the escape artistry will happen at nap time as well.

His sleeping habits are really testing my patients. I'm starting to wonder if they really make baby straight jackets, because this seems like the only solution at this point. I figured that I would stop swaddling him when he's not shoving his hands in his mouth & when he's totally mobile (because he's not rolling over in his crib yet & I thought it was recommended that he continues to be swaddled until he's moving around in there). I told Bill that I really don't know what to do at this point & if he continues to be like this, I'm going to duct tape his hands to his sides (I'm kidding. sort of).

Tagged with good timing.
Thanks to Beth, I've been tagged. It was good timing because I was at a total loss as to what to write about today.

I AM feeling really lazy today (& yesterday & the day before that &...)

I WANT to buy a pair of new running shoes (& buy Logan a bunch of cute clothes too)

I WISH we didn't have to sell our house

I MISS Portland, OR. SOOOOO MUCH

I HEAR the hum of the ceiling fan & Buddha snoring (Logan is taking a nap)

I WONDER what the rest of the year will be like

I REGRET not being the one who's in charge of the family finances

I AM NOT one to forgive easily

I DANCE daily with Logan (if only for a song or two)

I AM NOT ALWAYS showered everyday. Sometimes I just don't care (& we aren't leaving the house for something)

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS baby sign language that I'm teaching Logan

I WRITE this blog & two books that are coming along very. slowly.

I CONFUSE symptoms of stress with symptoms of pregnancy. I had to take a home test yesterday. It's negative. Bill knew this because I'm not acting crazy like I did with Logan.

I NEED more money. Who doesn't though?

I SHOULD really get a daily schedule put together, but then again, I don't want too

I START blog posts & then delete them so they never get published. I do this often because sometimes I just need to write about stuff that's a bit too personal for the rest of the world to read.

I FINISH my coffee every morning. Thank God for caffeine.

I TAG Ashley & Erica

At 16 weeks, he's now 4 months!

Where did the time go? It goes so fast, it's ridiculous. As helpless as Logan still is, he has learned so many new things & is growing by leaps & bounds. In his size, he seems big. He's no longer the little tiny baby we brought home. I still can't believe he's wearing 6-9 month sizes. He's a long little guy. It will be interesting to see what his stats are when we go to his next Doctors appointment in a few weeks.

He can roll from his front to his back during tummy time, although he can be pretty stubborn about it. He keeps trying to roll from his back to his stomach, but right now ends up doing a counter-clockwise circle on his blanket. He still puts his hands in his mouth & he's trying to put his feet in there too. Gross. I'll forgive him though, because he's a baby & his feet are cute & smell good. He grabs onto everything too. Toys, blankets, my shirt, Bill's nose. His hand-eye coordination is coming along. He's been trying to sit up when Bill holds him & I've been practicing with him on his sitting up skills during the day. He's almost able to sit up without help. Not quite yet, but close. He still loves to stand & watch himself in the mirror.

His talking has turned into a funny sounding grunt. He prefers to do this rather than the baby yelling that he was doing last week. His giggles come & go, he can be stubborn about this too. I'm still waiting to hear him laugh. Oh, I can't wait to hear him laugh out loud! He's taking after his parents on this one. Bill & I love comedies, but it really takes a lot to make us laugh. I do have to say though, since Logan has been born, he's made me laugh out loud more than ever.

He loves to play with his toys & The Frog is by far his favorite. Logan is such a good baby. He's totally cool with sitting in his Boppy chair & playing quietly (not that I don't mind a noisy baby). He will sit & play with his feet, or the blanket for a good amount of time while I write the books or return emails. Every minute or so, I'll turn around & he gives me the biggest smile, making his binky fall out. I help him put it back in & he goes back to whatever he was doing & I'll type a bit more. He has so much fun playing with bubbles & singing silly songs. His favorite silly song right now is "Head, shoulders, knees & toes". Grandma bought him a toy that sings this along with a bunch of other songs. When ever we sing this song though, he smiles so big. I try to make him touch all of the body parts, but reaching his toes can be hard with a quick tempo.

I love hanging out with him so much. I'm really having the time of my life. He can drive me crazy at times, still not sleeping through the night & wanting to start his day before 7 am, but I think about all of the cute things he does & I don't mind. There are more fun times than crazy times during our day.

And now he's rolling that way

Well, almost. Logan really likes to play with his toes & his feet. I realized that I probably don't let him just play on the floor that much. While he was just hanging out, he started to roll over on to his side. I didn't have any toys for him to play with while he was down there, so he would just hang out & look at Kitty. I got a few of his toys next to him & he would roll from his back to his side & try to kick his toys. I thought that was pretty funny.

He had done this a few times so I got down on the floor with him. He was so close! I'm thinking he'll be rolling from back to front in the next few days. He sure has inherited my trait of not doing well with frustration. When he can't roll over, he pitches a fit. When I get frustrated, I cry too. I know how he feels, but I'll be there next to him cheering him on. Roll, Logan, roll!

Now this is the way he rolls

We spent a lot of time playing on the floor today, getting some quality tummy time in. I saw a video of another baby about Logan's age almost crawling & he hasn't mastered the technique of rolling over yet. I thought we might need a little more practice.

Well, he's got it down now! I've been trying to get some video of it, but he's really tired after all of his hard work. He's done about 10 reps & he's pretty tuckered out. I start to tape & he screams like he's getting tortured. That's not really fun to watch. However, I did get some pictures. I'll update with video when he's rested & wanting to practice some more.

Starting out with his friend, The Frog

Keeping his eye on The Frog

He did it!

I'm so proud of him!

This is the way he rolls.
The weather has been pretty warm recently, so we're out for walks everyday. I've had to change our walk time to either early morning (yeah, this isn't often) or early evening. It's just way too hot in the middle of the day & I've come back sunburnt 3 or 4 times. I'm not really looking to get skin cancer.

Logan loves to go on walks. He's awake for most of the time (unless it's an hour walk, then he's asleep for half of it). He looks around, but mostly enjoys the breeze. In the past he would stick out his tongue like a little snake & feel the air that way. Now he's all about his toes.

He likes to get comfortable & kick it. Sideways. This is pretty funny, because it's exactly what I do in the car. For some reason, it's really comfortable to sit at an angle & rest my right foot up on the dash. It looks like Logan agrees.
His kick it attire is now just a onesie, unless we're going somewhere. When I get him in the stroller, he leans back, gets comfortable & sticks his leg up on the side or on the "dash". He wiggles his bare feet & spreads out his toes in the wind. He is too cute.

In my next life I'm going to be a P.I.
I've just spent an hour or so corresponding with a tech support guy from one of the sites that was involved with the PayPal fraud. He emailed Bill this morning asking why we did a refund on the software. I emailed back telling him it was a fraudulent transaction & explained the situation.

It turns out that this guy lives in New York & not only has access to the PayPal account (which is now frozen) but he also has access to Bill's email account & has been emailing the support guy through hotmail. The support guy forwarded all of the correspondance with this scum bag, including the site URL (that doesn't work) & a phone number (that goes directly to voice mail). The support guy also sent the information on where the email was sent from. It's total gibberish to me, so I'll have to contact hotmail & figure it out.

The good news is that we got our money back, we have some information about this guy & hopefully it will be enough to enable PayPal & our bank to catch this sucker. The bad news is, we have to go through our credit report & all other information to see if this guy has done anything else (hopefully not) & change everything up. I swear, if I'm the one that catches this guy, he's going to be very sorry I did.

Another first...
Logan is now playing with bubbles! I read in one of my baby development books that at the 16-17 th week, some babies like to play with bubbles. Logan seems to be a little advanced in some aspects (except for rolling over. He's close, but not quite). I decided to try it out.

We had some bubbles in storage. We used to blow them at the dogs & they were never interested in it, but we had fun. So, Bill started blowing them at Logan. It took a couple of times for him to understand. At first, he would keep looking at Bill. Then he would keep looking on the floor for them. Finally, he figured it out & watched Bill blow the bubbles & followed them to the floor. After a couple more times, he would anticipate what Bill was doing & waiting with a big grin. It was so cute! Now I can add bubble blowing to our daily routine. Man, all of this bubble blowing, reading, singing & playing is wearing me out. Who knew babies could have this much energy!

When it rains, it pours & now it's flooding.
While the winds of change blow us around, I'm really trying to go with the flow. It feels like hurricane season though. There is something; a master plan, karma, what have you...but something is supposed to happen to us. So, I'm sitting here at home waiting for it to unfold. This is also my first experience of putting on a happy face for Logan & pretending everything is ok. Being a parent during times of strife & trying to keep it under wraps so as not to affect your children? Wow, it's tough.

All of the nanny positions that I've applied for are already filled. The work from home opportunities are a scam. I've planned on meeting the neighbors this Saturday at the neighborhood garage sale. I'm going to sell Logans' old clothes & then promote the mommy/baby boot camp. Last night we got a flier from someone who is doing the exact. same. thing. I was devastated. What in the hell am I going to do now? My only option at this point is to look at daycare programs for Logan & I'll go back to work. I was so upset last night I couldn't stop crying. Logan woke up & Bill had to go in to take care of him, otherwise it would have been a crying duet.

Bill told me that he was going to pull the money out of his 401K & that would get us back on track. Then he suggested we sell the house & move. My stomach dropped & my throat was tight. We've cut back on every expense that we can, but the mortgage is what's pulling us under.

This is our first home. We bought it when it was being framed. I got to pick everything out for the house. The hardwood floors, the corrian counter tops in the kitchen, the plush carpet upstairs, the stainless steel appliances, the spa-like master bathroom. All of it. We upgraded it to the max. It's a beautiful home. I remember coming to check on the construction progress every day. We were so excited. It was like watching our house being born. Frame work to dry wall. Electricity & plumbing. Painting, tile installation & then the appliances came in. The day we signed the final papers & were given the keys, we walked through the house. With tears in my eyes, I thanked Bill for all of his hard work. We worked so hard to get this house. Incredibly long hours for the both of us. Many sacrifices. But it all came together & we had something beautiful to show for it.

However, this house has a hefty mortgage. With two incomes, we can handle it. Even with Bill working as a manager we could stretch the dollar. Not anymore though. His demotion, my staying at home with Logan. It's not going to work. We have to make some tough decisions. What's more important? Staying at home with Logan or staying in our home? Logan is by far more important, of course.

Bill talked about leaving the gym & finding work somewhere else. He's always wanted to live in Fort Collins, where his sister lives. We really like it there. It's a cute little mountain town, not anything like Denver (which I hate. It's way too suburban for me. I'm really a hippy at heart & I need active farmers markets, smaller walking community, etc). Bill's sister is pregnant & due at the end of October. She found out a couple of weeks ago that it's a boy. Bill talked about how it would be really cool to be close to family & close to a cousin for Logan to play & grow up with. I would be able to stay at home & when Bills sister goes back to work, I could watch both boys. I would also be close to other moms that his sister hangs out with & I could go with them to play groups. It's a win-win situation for everyone.

The more we talked about it, the more it made sense. The house is something material. It can be replaced. My son is my everything. Missing out on time with him is irreplaceable. "Whatever we have to do. I'm not attached to our neighborhood. I hate the part of town we live in, you know that. I can be a mom anywhere" I told Bill. So we both agree that it's not where Logan grows up, it's how that's more important.

So now we are in the beginning stages of selling our house. We have our 11 month walk through with the builder in the next few weeks. They'll fix things here & there, cracks in the walls, re-staining the banister kind of stuff. Then I guess Bill will start looking for different employment & I'll start looking for houses. I'm hoping it won't take forever to sell our house. We'll be able to survive here for a couple of months, but not much more.

To really appreciate the good times, you have to go through some bad. We're definitely "growing up" through all of this. It's making us better people, better parents. I keep telling myself that things happen for a reason.

In the 15 th week we have distracted nursing & lots of talking.

Logan seems to change so much every week. He's learning a ton of new things! He's getting to bed better. Still fussing a bit, but nothing like the last few weeks where he made it sound like his arms & legs were getting ripped off. He's really good about taking his naps too. It's pretty cute when I put him down (wide awake) because he has the biggest smile on his face. If he starts to kick & crunch out of his swaddle, I'll turn on the mobil & he's good until he falls asleep.

The biggest challenge (which really isn't that bad) is him turning into a distracted nurser. At first I didn't know what to think about this. I did a little reading up on it & I guess it's just a phase he's in & he'll grow out of it. It's kind of annoying though. He'll latch on, eat a little, latch off, look at the cat. Latch on, eat a bit, latch off, look up at me & smile (this is really cute though, I have to admit). As long as he's getting a good nursing session in sometime during the day, he'll be fine nutritionally.

We've been working on his hand-eye coordination. He grabs his binky from my hand & tries to put it in his mouth. He's getting pretty good at it, not perfect, but close! He loves to stand too. If he gets too worked up, all I have to do is stand him up & he gets quiet. He loves to do this after a bath & watch himself in the mirror.

Logan has totally turned into a talker now. That's what most of our day consists of. Talking (or "baby yelling") back & forth. It makes me laugh so hard, no sound comes out & my eyes start to water. I took some pictures of him talking this afternoon (I need to learn how to make the sound on our videos better).

This is a high pitched sigh "aaaAAAAAhhhhhhhh"

This is my favorite. It's a throaty, gurgle "aaaaaaa"

This is him working on his "Oooooohh". I used to squish his cheeks together to make his mouth pucker. He would stick his tongue out & "ooooohhhh". He doesn't like to do it too much anymore.

This kid is constantly talking though. If he's not talking to me, then he's talking to his fish on his swing, his toys that he plays with while sitting in the Boppy & he's even talked to the T.V. a couple of times. We didn't start baby signing yet, like I wanted to do 3 weeks ago, but now I totally think he's ready to learn some more on communication.

This is such a fun age. He's really smart & quick to learn. Bill & I talk about how we wouldn't be surprised if he starts talking sooner than most babies. Now, if I can only get him to sleep in little bit longer & take longer naps....

It's always something.
That's what my Grandma Nancy used to say. It's true. Another phrase that would be appropriate is "when it rains it pours". I'm not going to go into too much detail, maybe later, maybe never. Some things are best left to being personal. However, I'm now looking for employment quick. I don't have enough time to get a personal training business up & going & I don't have enough time for the books to get published. I called on a nanny position & I hope they would be cool with me looking after their baby & Logan too. That way he can still be breast fed, I don't have to worry about child care & he would also get some socialization as well. All of the work from home opportunities seem like a scam. If you have to pay anything up front, it's not a job. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, because being a nanny seems like the best solution for the situation right now.

My First Mother's Day

I never knew what being a mom was all about
until I first looked into your eyes,
heard you cry,
& held you tight.

I never knew it could be so rough
with little sleep,
few showers,
& unbrushed teeth.

I never knew the skills it took
changing diapers,
deciphering cries,
keeping you happy.

I never knew how fun it was
singing songs,
reading books,
making you smile & giggle.

I never knew I could love so much
kissing your head,
cradled in my arms,
tears streaming down my face.

WARNING: This contains adult language. Viewer discretion is advised.
(Logan, this means you're not allowed to read this without me).


To The Heartless Bastard That Ripped Us Off:


You thought you were pretty sly, didn't you? Actually, what where you thinking anyway? Well, your bull shit stops here, right now. It's fortunate for our family that I'm completely neurotic about our financial situation & I compulsively check our online bank statement, micro managing every single transaction. That's where I busted you.

At first I didn't know what to think. You see, in our family Bill takes care of all of the financial aspects of our life & I'm left in the dark (very stupid, I know. But no matter what changes we make, we always fall back into this pattern). So, when I saw that we had 3 "bills" paid by Paypal, I thought to myself "Hmmm, I don't remember talking about these when we went over the budget yesterday & why in the HELL are they getting paid through Paypal?" But I shrugged it off, thinking that I would talk to Bill about it when he got home from work & I continued to sing & laugh & play with my baby. Yes, you read that right. My BABY. But we'll get to that part a little bit later.

Later that night Bill gets home. We talk about our days & then nonchalantly I ask him, "Hey, what's up with about $500 getting paid? I don't remember talking about a $500 bill". "What?" he says. "We don't have any bills that are $500. Who did it get paid to?" Still not thinking too much about it, I tell him "I don't know, it went through Paypal". "We don't pay any bills through Paypal" he says & we go upstairs so I can show him the online statement.

After taking one look at it, "This is fraud. These aren't bills". Great. Now I'm really pissed off at you. You STOLE $573.12 from a family, yes a FAMILY, that is in no financial situation to be less than that. Bill calls the bank right away to report your assholish actions & then we were told that you didn't steal our bank account number through a card (we thought this because my card expires this month & I still haven't received it in the mail, while Bill has had his for weeks now), but you hacked into our Paypal account that we never use.

We pull up our Paypal account & look at the history. There it is. The shit you bought with our hard earned money. We take a look at the sites that you bought from:

• www.R3N3.com. This looks like you set up a web site.
  
• www.ecki.com. Ok, advertising software for the site you're putting up.
• www.paltalk.com. A voice & video chat program. Now I know what you're doing.

You stole money from our family to start up a PORN SITE! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Here I am, depriving myself of fucking sugar free jello when we go grocery shopping so I can still be a stay at home mom & you steal $573.12 to start up a skanky ass web cam site! I WANT TO KILL YOU! If you were smart & the least bit good looking, you could've found yourself a sugar daddy to fund your endeavors. But no. No, you take money from a family that has a 3 MONTH OLD BABY. We have to buy DIAPERS & WIPES for our baby. We have to buy GROCERIES so we can EAT. We have REAL BILLS TO PAY. I FUCKING HATE YOU!

I hope your site fails. I hope you don't make any money at all. I hope you get AIDS from the shit you do on your webcam. I hope you get this evil disease & it eats your body alive, leaving you a weak & lonely shell of a human being. You fucking shitbag.

Now, not only has our bank been notified, but Paypal as well. You won't be able to take anymore money from us. Thankfully we'll be OK because I have been obsessive about our financial situation, making sure we don't spend too much. It will take about a week to get our money back. A week. No big deal. So while our family won't be in ruins because of you, you stupid piece of shit, I hope karma bites you in your STD ridden ass. I believe in karma. You get in life what you put out into the universe. Someday, you'll get what's coming to you. I'll say it again, I hope it's AIDS.

Sincerely,

Kristin
A stay at home mom who would've liked to use that money for her family

Just as Logan grows, so does the blog.
When I first put this blog together, I thought the only people who would be reading it were my friends & family. I thought that blogging would be a really cool way to keep a journal of my new life, the experiences that our new little family goes through & to someday share all of it with Logan.

It has become a great way for me to express myself & get some things off of my chest (as I'm one to usually keep it all in) & a way to get to know so many other moms across the world who are going through (or have already been through) some of the same life events. It's been comforting to know that I'm not the only mom with "crazy overprotective feelings", "granola hippy" views on vaccinations & the feelings of insanity during the first few weeks of Logan being home.

When I added the stat counter, I just wanted to see how many people really were reading about our life. I was a little surprised. Not that there are millions, but there are more people than I ever would've thought. I've noticed that the number of people reading is steadily rising. I've received a few emails from moms introducing themselves & their family blogs as well. This is great! It's been so much fun getting to know so many new moms (& a lot more reading material).

I have been updating the sidebar with little things here & there (home videos, monthly growth) & I want to update the Mom Blogs links. If you visit our blog, leave a comment & introduce yourself! I would love to know who all of you are, how you came across our neck of the internet, anything else you would like to add & leave a link to your blog so I can add you to the Blogroll. I look forward to meeting all of you & your cute little kiddos!

Outdoor adventure at Cherry Creek State Park

The weather was a lot more predictable today so we took advantage of it. We've wanted to go to all sorts of different places, but Bill decided that he wanted to check out Cherry Creek State Park. This park is right in the middle of the city & it's actually across the street from Bill's gym. Kind of crazy, if you ask me. I wasn't really impressed with it. There wasn't the kind of hiking like we did last month & there wasn't really any wildlife other than birds & one carp that we saw in a beaver pond (without any beavers).

After a little nature walk around the pond, we headed over to the reservoir & hung out on the beach. We saw some pelicans & played in the sand. It was fun to just sit around & hang out in the sun (with Logan slathered in SPF 45 sunscreen & his bucket hat that rarely left his head).

Logan was really cute out there. He watched the birds fly around & stood in the sand. I think he had more fun playing with his dad though. It was really nice to get outside & enjoy a little bit of nature.

The 14 th week is all about smiles, toys & playtime!

This has been a great week in terms of development for Logan. His growth spurt has changed him a bit & it's been so much fun. His chiropractor tells us that he is incredibly strong for his age & he is just amazed. Logan doesn't compare to the other babies his age that are getting adjusted (yea for baby work outs!). He hasn't rolled over yet, but he is standing when we hold his hands. He's standing for quite sometime until his legs get tired & then he'll sit up for even longer. A couple of nights ago while Bill was holding him on the couch, Logan tried to sit up by himself. He was so close. The crunches he does have started to pay off. He'll be sitting up in no time! He grew like a weed & is now in 6-9 month clothes. This happened practically overnight! The arms & torso of his clothes are a little baggy, but they fit his legs now. He's going to be one tall kid.

He loves to play with his toys now. He still likes to chew on them, but looks at them & feels them with his hands a little more. He can sit & entertain himself for a bit, but he definitely prefers to have playtime with Mommy rather than by himself. When we go grocery shopping, he will play with his toys & smile at the deli clerk & anyone else who stops to look at him & say hi.

He giggles a little more often now, but not a full on belly laugh yet. He likes to sit on my knees & if I sing him a song & act really funny, he'll giggle. He still giggles the most on the changing table when I try to get his arms out of his sleeves. Yesterday I was tickling him under his arms & he was so close to really laughing. His giggles were getting louder & louder. It was hilarious!


He is fascinated with his feet & has attempted to grab them. He pulls at his pant legs more than his feet, but he's trying. It's so funny when I put his slippers on his feet. He really doesn't know what to think about them.

He is happy to take naps in his crib now. If I don't let him fall asleep in the swing or on me, I'll get him swaddled & he doesn't cry. He'll go right down. Bedtime is still a totally different story. The minute I turn out the lights & sit with him in the rocking chair, all hell breaks loose. I can't blame him for being upset about going to bed. Both of his parents are night owls & who really wants to go to bed before everyone else anyway?

He's started to cry from being frightened. The other night after dinner, I pushed in one of the chairs & it made a really loud noise & made him cry. When Bill & I were talking about going to the children's museum, I told him about a picture of a grandpa playing with a 3 week old, a 3 month old & a toddler. "They have old people there to play with the kids?" To which we both laughed hard & it made Logan cry. "I swear we won't make you play with old people"! I told him as I tried to calm him down. What a trip. It's been one fun & funny week.

A day at the Denver Aquarium.
Bill had the day off today & we decided to do some fun family stuff. We've wanted to go hiking at Dinosaur Ridge, but the weather has been "unsettled". That pretty much means the meteorologists have no clue as to what to predict. So because there was a high "chance" of rain, we did something inside.

We were going to go to the Denver Children's Museum because I had read about an exhibit for newborns & infants. After Bill looked at it, we think it will be more fun for all of us when Logan learns how to crawl. So it was off to the aquarium.

There were all sorts of animals to look at. My favorite were the river otters that kept doing back flips & running all around. There were tons of different kinds of fish, from fresh water rivers to a huge ocean tank full of eels & sharks. Logan loved it! He watched the otters play, stared at the fish in all of the tanks, watched the sting rays eat from other kids hands (& swim up to us because they though we had food too) & he was actually talking to us in excitement when some of the fish would pass by. He even got a little freaked out when we were looking at the HUGE sharks that swam by.

We had so much fun & I couldn't believe Logan was so into it! It was great to show him all of the cool fish & animals & watch him learn. His brain cells must have been going haywire with all of the information to process. We're totally going to go again sometime soon (maybe when the grandparents come for a visit).

The ultimate in cheesy baby brags.
These last 3 months have been a total blur. I really can't believe it. I look through all of the pictures (all 400 of them) & sometimes feel like time has slipped through my fingers. Logan is becoming an independent person & it's happening so fast.

I came across this site through Baby Center. It's all the rage with the birth club moms. I never read any of the threads, until today. I got hooked on cheesy newborn remembrances. I made a video of the last 3 months. It makes me cry because I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff. I think I'll make one every 3 months or so.

Create your own video at One True Media

Confessions of a bad mother.
Yesterday Logan had his first taste of something other than breast milk. While I was at the computer writing one of the books, I was eating some pineapple & Logan was behind me in his seat that I made him out of a boppy pillow & blanket on the futon. He was playing with his book & chewing on it, then smiling at me as he watched me eat pieces of pineapple. Then I got the evil "I'm not supposed to do this" look on my face. I got a little bit of pineapple juice on the fork & put it on his lips. He had the funniest look on his face while smacking his lips. I couldn't stop laughing! So of course I had to do it a few more times. Then when Bill got home from work, I told him what a bad mom I was & then he had to see Logan's pineapple face for himself. He really likes pineapple. After he was finished licking his lips, he would shove his fist back into his mouth so he smelled like pineapple for the rest of the night. I guess there are worse things to smell like.

Since I'm coming clean on letting him taste things that he shouldn't be tasting yet, I'll go ahead & come clean on everything else:

• Turning off the baby monitor to let him cry it out (or more like fuss it out) for a few minutes because I'm so tired I don't even want to think about getting up.
• He wants to start the day at 6 or 7 am. That's just way too early for me so after I feed him I bring him back to bed in the guest bedroom & we sleep in for a few more hours together. He sleeps really well when he's cuddled in my arms.
• Leaving him to entertain himself on the floor with his gym while I go & make myself breakfast. Getting myself fed has become more of a priority than early morning play time.
• Waiting too long to file his fingernails. I usually forget until I notice that he's scratched himself.
• Not being a germaphobe when it comes to his binky falling on the floor. I'll brush it off, but I don't sanitize it every time.
• Letting him touch the cat (well, he doesn't reach out for her yet, but Bill has put the cat's tail in Logan's hand to teach him how to pull her tail & I didn't yell at him).
• While I nurse him during the day I'll watch T.V. at the same time. When Logan is finished, he'll turn around to watch it with me. I don't turn it off & we'll watch T.V. together.
• Letting him take naps in his swing. He's been able to take naps in his crib, but often times he'll fall asleep in his swing & I'll leave him there while I work on the books.

Wow, that seems like a long list. It's a good thing he's a pretty happy & healthy baby, otherwise I just might feel bad for doing all of that.

He's baaaaack.
Mr. Fussy Fuss had decided to come back for another visit. He's not that much fun to hang out with. Ever since Logan has gone through his growth spurt last week, everything is all amuck. He's back to eating every 3 hours, but his sleep schedules suck. He won't take his naps & gets really grumpy because he's so tired. Then when I try to get him bed at night, he puts up a major fight.

Thursday night after it took 45 minutes to get him to bed, he woke up every hour, sometimes every 30 minutes. It was the night from hell. We were supposed to go to the chiropractor & run all sorts of errands the next day, but I decided it wasn't a good idea to get behind the wheel with such sleep deprivation. It was a rainy day too, so that really would've made me fall asleep while driving.

Friday night wasn't much better. Again, he didn't want to nap during the day & it took forever to get him to sleep. This night was worse than the night before. He knows when it's bedtime & when I turn out the light to sit in the rocking chair & sing him some lullabies, he has a total freak out. He was screaming like his arms & legs were getting ripped off. I couldn't take it much longer & just put him in his crib screaming bloody murder & left for 10 minutes or so. After I took a deep breath, I went back in & picked him up, burped him (because he swallowed a ton of air while in the midst of his fit) & kept him in his swaddle while I sat & rocked him again. He finally got to sleep, but his pattern was like the night before. Up every hour or so. There were times that I just turned off the baby monitor & let him cry it out for a few minutes. When he wouldn't stop after 20 minutes, I would go in & take care of him.

All day Saturday he was fussy. His napping pattern was getting better, but not much. In the late afternoon after I fed, changed & played with him, he was still fussy. I decided it was time to just let him hang out in his bouncer & I would take a break in the shower. He did ok, until I got out. Then he was fussy again. By this time I was fed up with his attitude & turned around & told him "You've been fed, you have a clean diaper on, we played & you're still a little grump. I'm right here, so if you're going to be fussy, too bad. I have to brush my teeth". He fussed a little bit more & then was quiet. I turned around & he had his hand wrapped in his burp cloth & shoved in his mouth.

I've been doing a little research & I've read a couple of things about this kind of behavior. He may be getting ready for a major milestone, like laughing or something physical, like rolling over. It's like an adult who's getting ready for a major presentation at work & can't sleep because they are constantly thinking about it. Or like a kid who can't sleep because they are so excited to go to Disney Land the next morning. So, Logan could be planning out his next moves.

The other theory is that he's teething. He's been drooling, munching on his hands & anything else he can get in his mouth. I just thought he found his hands & has been fascinated with them. I haven't noticed swollen gums or tooth buds erupting, but I guess this could go on for a few months if he is teething. Yea. How exciting.

This night he was much better getting to sleep, just fighting it a little bit. The miracle was staying asleep for more than an hour. I only had to get up once to re-swaddle him & give him his binky. I hope we're getting back on track.

Logan takes playtime seriously

"Don't mess with my buddy The Frog, Mom"


Studying hard & cramming for his "Friends of all Sizes" test
"No time for naps! I've got to keep reading about this giraffe being tall"

Tips from a personal trainer.
I have received many emails asking about my nutrition plan, mommy/baby workout & the infant workout as well. I don't want to divulge the nitty gritty on the blog because I'm writing 3 different books on the subjects. Then, I'm also strapped for cash & this is what I do (did) for a living. If anyone wants specifics, email me & we'll talk shop. Tips are definitely cool though.

First let me start off with my qualifications. I've been a personal trainer for 3 years with a large corporate gym. I'm certified though NASM (National Academy of Sports Medicine) & I'm also certified through Apex for nutritional & supplement education. This qualifies my programs to be approved Level 1 weight control programs & in compliance with goals & recommendations of the American Dietetic Association for weight management.

Prior to becoming a personal trainer, I worked in chiropractic for 4 years. I studied Chiropractic Biophysics & apply rehab & biomechanical education to my workout programs. I also did patient fitness programs to restore function to the body & weight loss to help with joint pain. I became certified through Pneumex, a physical therapy technique that helped to correct scoliosis, improved neurological function for those who had suffered trauma (like a stroke) & also used it for improving sports performance (I don't do golf training though).

I've trained clients for marathons in power walking, running, cycling & swimming. I've also trained guys for baseball, lacrosse, soccer, mountain biking, rock climbing, martial arts & ultimate fighting (not televised celebrities). I don't train anyone for body building or fitness competitions, because it's just not my thing.

I've had many successes with my clients, from loosing 80 lbs in 6 months, to recovery after hip replacement surgery in only 3 weeks. I myself had lost 30 lbs in 2 months, Bill lost close to 90 lbs in a year & now I can add my post-pregnancy success as well.



So now that you all know that I'm not just some meat head, here are some tips:

First, it's all about nutrition. Without getting into boring science or a long drawn out post, it comes down to calories in vs. calories out. If you eat too much & sit around, expect to gain weight (the wrong kind). If you eat as much as you burn, don't expect to change shape. If you burn more calories than you eat...weight loss! You also want a "zen" aproach to your macronutrients (carbs, protein & fats). Think balance. Don't fall into the low carb crap. Your body needs them, especially if you are a breast feeding, busy, working out mom. Speaking of busy moms, don't buy processed foods. Even though they may be easy, they are nothing but junk. Think about that "zen" aproach & go for whole foods. If it's in a box, can or jar, it's not that good for you. Be careful to not drink your calories. Fruit juice might sound healthy, until you look at the sugar content & the amount of calories per serving. Stick with water & make sure you drink close to a gallon of it everyday.

Cardio is the next focus. Again, there is a lot of science in this as well, like knowing your target heart rate, but to keep it short you can do the talk test. If you're working out & you can't talk, you're working too hard & burning the wrong kind of calories. If you can carry on a full conversation, you're wasting your time. You want to be able to say a few words while walking, running, cycling, or whatever you're doing for cardio. You need to do cardio for 30 minutes everyday, at least!

Next is weight training, or resistance training. This is something that most women don't do because it's intimidating & they fear they're going to get big. Weight training doesn't make you big, calories do. Last year I had a goal of adding 10 lbs of muscle. I had to eat 3,200 calories a day in order to get that. Even then, I didn't get big, I got ripped. So, as long as your nutrition is in check, weight training will make your muscles more dense (tone) & it will increase your metabolism. When it comes to working out at home with your baby, you need a full body routine. Think push, pull, squat. Bent knee push-ups, bent over baby rows & baby squats are a great way to start. Don't forget your core, which is a whole different ball game. It's more than crunches. If you work the "inside" of your abs (core) before the outside (like with crunches), you'll get better strength & definition (& you'll loose the mommy tummy).

Then there's supplementation. This can get crazy with information, but the bottom line is, moms need a prenatal or multivitamin. Calcium will help with bone density & weight loss as well. To speed things up, caffeine (in moderation) can do the trick. I drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning to jump start my day (especially after being sleep deprived from the night before). Logan isn't affected by it as long as I just stick to coffee with breakfast.

Last but not least, variety. Your body is a very smart & adaptive organism. Just think about how much you would enjoy eating the same thing everyday. You would get pretty sick of it & never eat those foods again. Your body is the same way with exercise. Most people see results with new routines in about 4-6 weeks, then they stop working out. Why? Because they hit a plateau & they don't see anymore change, thus loosing motivation. There are a million different ways to create variety in a workout routine. Remember, if your mind is bored, your body is too.



There are the tips from the trainer. I hoped that helped some of you out a bit. I'll keep writing the books for detail & hey, if anyone wants a long distance trainer, you know how to email me.

We finally have Dad at home.
Since Bill's transfer to the new gym, he's been home so much more. He hasn't had to start until 10 or 11 am & then he gets to come home for lunch. Bill has a chance to see Logan in clothes other than PJ's!

We've been waking up & eating breakfast with coffee together. Yesterday I jumped straight in the shower & Bill had some father-son time in the morning. That was really nice. When he comes home for lunch, we have time to talk about our days without passing out cold from exhaustion on the couch. I also get a chance to actually eat in peace too.

Last night we were talking about mom/mommy blogs, about how much time working parents get to spend with their kids & I made the comment about how I don't think I could spend more than 3 or 4 hours away from Logan. "Yeah, it's pretty weird being at work", he sighed. "There were a couple of days that I didn't see Logan at all. By the time I got home, he was in bed. When I left for work in the morning, the two of you were still sleeping". It was sad to realize how much time he spent at work. Even though the budget may be a little tight, having Bill spending more time at home is much more valuable.

Lucky 13 th week

Logan's personality is really starting to show now. He is so cute & so sweet. His smile just melts my heart. He is a flirt with other people, giving them big smiles when they talk to him. He can be shy at times (mostly with his dad) & he'll turn his head & burry his face into my chest when Bill talks to him. He is very playful & likes to tease me when I'm changing his clothes. When I try to get his arms out of his sleeves, he'll pull them in tight, smile & make a little shriek. On Sunday he started to giggle while doing this. He's so close to laughing! I can't wait!

He's using his hands so much now. If they aren't shoved completely in his mouth, he's grabbing a blanket or burp cloth to mouth on. He loves it when I kiss his hands & nibble on his fingers. He will grab my chin & my nose now too. He really likes to hold his binky in his mouth & will sometimes take it out & wave it around. He hasn't figured out how to put it back in with his hands, but he has figured out how to do it with his arm. If his binky has fallen out & landed in the crook of his elbow, he'll lift his arm & put it right back in. He's pretty clever!

He loves to look around the house & really likes to look at Buddah. He seems to have a preference for him over Kitty. I don't know why, because Buddha has the worst dog breath I've ever smelled. Boys & their dogs, I guess. Logan watches me eat with much interest & I have to tell him, "You have a long time before you get to eat some of this stuff kiddo"! He likes to look at the words in his books rather than the pictures when I read to him. He has started to notice his feet too. He hasn't reached out for them yet, but he'll stare at them, just mesmerized. He gives me a really funny look when I kiss his toes & blow on the bottom of his feet. Sometimes I'll keep him busy by putting slippers on him. He thinks that's pretty fun.

He gets stronger by the minute. He holds his head up for a long time while doing tummy time & his push ups are coming along nicely. He no longer rests his head on my chest when we are tummy to tummy & would rather push up & look around. He can support his head when he sits up, but still needs a little help with sitting up straight. He can be in the Baby Bjorn facing out now & he loves it. He can sit on my hip while I walk around the house & his back is strong enough to support him. He loves to stand too. I 'll have him stand on the floor when we play, or he'll stand on my stomach when we work out.

It seems like we are on the tail end of his growth spurt. He's getting back to eating every 3 hours or so. His body language when he's tired is much more clear. Before, I would just pay attention to the color of his eyelids. When Bill gets tired his ears turn red. When Logan gets tired, it's his eyelids that turn red. Now, Logan will rub his eyes & he gets a little grumpy too. He still tries to fight going to sleep, but we're working on that.

I love every minute of being a mom & hanging out with him all day. He is so cute & so much fun, I really wouldn't care if we never left the house (sort of). Often times when we play & he's smiling at me, I get a little choked up. I just feel so much love for him I feel like I'm going to burst.

Postpartum body image.
Being a personal trainer & working in a busy gym kind of messes with your head. The atmosphere definitely promotes a certain psychology with body image. I would often joke around with one of my good trainer friends because as we would wait at the front desk for our next client, we would catch each other pinching the fat (or really just skin) on our abs. It was a subconscious action (as we would do this a million times a day on our own clients & members who wanted to track their progress) & when we would catch each other doing this, we would laugh about how most trainers suffer from body dysmorphic disorder. It's not really funny enough to laugh at.

As a trainer, every day in the gym is like a body building or fitness competition. The guys are always concerned about muscle mass. They joke around flexing at each other, "It's all about size". The ladies are focused on definition, or "tone" which is about adding muscle as well. Taking these issues to the point of an eating disorder like anorexia, bulimia & even exercise bulimia is looked down upon. If a trainer takes it too far to this level, their credibility is in question. It's considered cheating. If one of the female trainers looks like she's getting too thin, the other ladies have no problem talking about "bread stick" arms in front of them. If someone is working out too much, many of the other trainers will pipe in saying, "You're working way too hard to get to your goal. Let me show you some techniques that will make your routine more efficient". Basically telling this trainer in a passive aggressive manner that they have no clue what they're doing.

This pressure for the "perfect body" is not just perpetuated by other trainers, but the members as well. A trainer is a walking billboard of their knowledge & the results that they can produce. Members will seek out the "best looking" trainer, even though this person may have no clue about exercise science & just happened to be genetically blessed. It can be a pretty catty place to work, & the cattiness varies from gym to gym. I've worked in Vegas, Portland & Denver & I have to say that Portland was the worst.

Just like all of the other trainers that I worked with, I strived for the "perfect body", which doesn't exist. When I got to the body fat percentage & definition that I was happy with & thought that I had reached "perfect body" status, I didn't feel any better. I was in the best shape of my life, & sure, I was proud of myself for my commitment & follow through & being able to achieve my goal. Over all, it was pretty empty because then the focus was on maintaining. This was one of many things that made me think that there's more to life & I wanted to devote myself to something more meaningful, like motherhood.

Watching my body go through the pregnancy changes was a little difficult. I did take advantage of my new found freedom & frequented Taco Bell for 7-layer burritos & Bill got me hot fudge sundaes with extra hot fudge almost every night. I knew that they were good changes & these things were supposed to happen, but there were a couple of times that I caught a glimpse of my butt in the mirror & cried.

After Logan was born I told myself that I wasn't going to fall back into old habits again. I haven't been counting calories everyday (I did for about a week or so) & I just focus on eating healthy. I was planning on getting to the gym every night when Bill got home from work, but that is a total joke. The last thing I have energy for at 9 pm is an hour of cardio & 45 minutes of weight training. So I make sure Logan & I get out for a stroller walk for an hour almost every day & then we have fun with our mommy/baby workout at home. I feel like it's more of a fun thing for the two of us, rather than just working out.

I was beginning to accept the fact that I may never fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans again & I probably wouldn't get into my pre-pregnancy shape for another 3 -5 months. I was letting go of the "perfect body" expectation that I ingrained in my head for so long. I was reminding myself that I don't have to prove anything to anybody anymore & Bill doesn't care what shape I'm in. All of this until yesterday.

When we were getting ready to go to the zoo, Logan spit up all over himself & all over my lap as well. After I got him taken care of, I searched my closet for something to wear. I haven't gone shopping for post-pregnancy clothes because I was bound & determined to wear my old clothes again. I was having a hard time finding something to wear, so I picked up a pair of jeans that I bought just a couple of weeks before I was pregnant. They were snug, but I could button them up. In disbelief I sat down on the bed. Nice. I could sit. I decided to do the squat test. Awesome. I didn't hear anything rip. I looked at myself in the mirror. Ok, so they look like they're painted on, but they don't look bad. I walked upstairs in tears. "I'm such an idiot, but I'm so happy I can wear jeans again. I didn't think I would ever wear these again", I cried to Bill. He gave me a high five, "3 months, that's not bad at all"!

It's nice to be able to get back into shape without the focus that I've had in the past. It really motivated me to keep writing the workout books (now that I have physical proof that the routine works for new moms) & to also add a special chapter on post-pregnancy body image. We live in a society that is 60% overweight & we are constantly being bombarded with unhealthy weight loss solutions & unrealistic expectations. Every marketing image that we see portraying women is photoshopped & airbrushed.

It's important for moms to feel good about themselves. To be proud of the sacrifice that we make to bring life into this world. To give our bodies to our families. But it's mostly important to see ourselves as beautiful, stretch marks & all. Being overweight is a health issue however, it's something that we need to battle at the family core. We need to focus on activity as a family rather than just getting into shape. If we get rid of sedentary lifestyles & enjoy family activity & healthy eating, obesity will be a thing of the past. Hopefully body image will improve & become more positive because fitness will be fun & a part of life, not pressured.