R.I.P

Beck

April 20, 1999 - February 24, 2006

Beck died this afternoon. We had construction workers over at the house today doing our six month walk through. While they were fixing various things, I had the dogs in the garage so they would be out of the way. A few times in between workers, I let them back in. Well, I went to let them in after the carpenter left & only Buddha came in. Beck was laying on the floor, not moving, not breathing. He got into the dog food & had another seizure. I'm not sure if it was the seizure that took him or choking on the food during the seizure. But, he's no longer with us.

I called Bill & told him to come home. Beck was dead. I tried to stay as calm as I could, as I was still holding Logan & I didn't want to make him cry too. Plus we still had people working on different things in the house. It seemed to take forever for Bill to get home. I saw him pull into the driveway & went to meet him outside. "He's definitely dead", I cried. Bill hugged me & we walked in the house. He opened the garage door & it broke his heart. I don't think I've seen him so hurt before. Beck is the first dog that he has ever lost. Our dogs were like kids to us before we had Logan. We cried together for a while.

Bill dug a hole in the back yard & we wrapped him up in a sheet with his leash & harness. That action really made me upset. We were both sobbing as he put him into the ground. We said a few words of remembrance & laid him to rest. He has a large stone for a marker & I think I'll plant something there this spring. Even though he was a quiet dog, the house seems very still. Too still.

We first saw our little beagle while we were living in Vegas. It was independence day weekend & we decided that Buddha needed a brother because we were gone for so long during the day. We stopped by a pet shop that was close to our home. When I saw him I wanted him right away. We asked if we could let him out of his cage. He proceeded to run around the place causing all sorts of havoc. There was a pen of poodles in the middle of the store & Beck would try to pull them out through the small chain links by their fur. It was pretty funny. We knew that we were going to take this little hell raiser home.

It took a little while for Beck & Buddha to get used to each other, but when they clicked, they were brothers for life. They were like peanut butter & jelly, never going anywhere without the other. They would cuddle & run around & embarrassed us with "dog shows" when we had company over. He was a cute puppy too. He had big paws & floppy ears that he would chew on. He tried to get out of the kitchen (where we put up a baby gate too keep them in) almost every night. We kept him busy with a dog puzzle. It was a cube that we would put a treat in & he would roll it around the house trying to get the treat out. He was pretty smart with that toy. We lovingly called him "Speckabeck".


We moved to Portland & rented a house with a yard. We knew that Beck would love it seeing as though we were coming from a small apartment. We soon discovered that Beck was a little escape artist. One day at work, Bill got a call from some guy telling him that he had Beck. Beck was walking onto the free way & this guy rescued him (also feeding him pizza). It took a couple of escapes & rescues by our neighbors for us to keep him chained up. He really didn't mind that at all, as long as he could still be outside.


We moved to Colorado & we were excited that we had our very own back yard to build them a dog house. We were planning on doing that this spring when we do the landscaping. Even though our yard wasn't completely fenced in, we still let the dogs out. There were times that it was a bitter 12 degrees out, but Beck would still be out there sniffing around with his beagle nose. We could count on him coming back, because we had food & treats.

We saw a gradual increase in his seizures, but there was nothing that could be done about them. Medications didn't work that well & they had side effects that seemed worse than just the seizures. We knew that he would probably pass from this disease, but not so soon. He was a good & happy dog. Even though I had lost my patience with him during my pregnancy. He wasn't as bad as I made him out to be.

As Bill cried this afternoon at the open grave, "Good bye little buddy".

I've read all sorts of parenting books & it doesn't matter.
Before Logan was born, I used to worry about how I was going to raise him. How was I going to feed him & get him to sleep? What could I expect to do with a newborn? What was my life going to be like with him? It came down to attachment parenting vs. parent directed feeding (aka: scheduling). Well, in my opinion, it's all crap.

In these few short weeks with Logan, I've learned that you do what works best for the family. It does take a bit of trial & error, but nothing is by "the book" of any book. I was leaning toward the parent directed feeding technique. I'm a bit of an anal personality & I like order & predictability. It made sense to have a schedule where I feed Logan at this time, change him, do this & that & then cycle that throughout the day. I knew what I was going to be doing, how to do it & I felt prepared. I didn't like the idea of attachment parenting because I was afraid of having a "clingy" baby that would have a hard time gaining his own independence. I also didn't want to be used as a pacifier & constantly be breast feeding. Co-sleeping scared me because of the increased risk of SIDS.

The bottom line is that Logan is not a programmable robot to do as I will him to do. He is his own person (even at 3 weeks old) that has his own game plan. He does have a little bit of a routine, like feeding every 1 1/2 -4 hours & getting changed afterward, but that's about it. We have a bassinet in our room, but lately he's wanted to fall asleep on me & stay there. We've slept on the futon in the loft, on the couch in the living room & now I've given into letting him sleep in our bed after he wakes up to eat in the mornings. I actually like having him in our bed at 7 am. It makes for a great way to wake up & start the day.

If I'm helping to form bad habits, I'm sure I'll pay for it later. At least I'm gaining a little bit of my sanity back. The little bit of extra sleep & a little less of Logan crying is making for better days & a happier mommy.

It was bath day again today.
Logan is starting to like bath time now. He didn't like it so much in the beginning. I think it was because he was cold & he takes after his mom in liking really warm (but not too hot) baths. I try not to give him a bath every day because the air is so dry here at this time of year. He has been a little dry himself & baby lotion isn't helping too much. I found out about this awesome baby oil by Burts Bees. It's an apricot oil that makes Logan's skin really soft & it smells so good. He gets a baby massage with it after every bath. He loves it. He just grunts & looks up at me in his hooded towel. He's really cute.

At the request of Grandma, I got him dressed in an outfit that was a gift from a teacher that she works with (whom we have never met) so I could take a picture to include with the thank you card. It was very sweet of her to think of Logan & get him this outfit. However, this may be the one & only time that he wears it. I don't know who these people are designing baby clothes. I think they get a kick out of making our kids look like clowns, or as in this picture, some kind of baby pope. Logan looks content after having a bath, getting his smell good/feel good baby massage, a clean diaper & a warm blanket. I wonder if he knows how ridiculous he looks & if he'll give me hell about it when he's older & has a sense of style (because I know he'll be the best dressed kid in the neighborhood).

Logan had his first stroller ride this afternoon.
This morning when Bill got up to go to work, he gave us a kiss good-bye & mentioned how it was really nice outside. "I don't even need a jacket at 8 am. If it's that nice now, it should be a great day for a walk". This is coming from a guy that was born & raised in North Dakota. Last week when the nation was hit with that arctic blast, it was -45 degrees there. He is also prone to wear birkenstocks & shorts in the snow. I should've thought about that before I got ready to go out.

I looked out the window & thought that it looked nice enough to go out. The sun was shinning & the snow was melting. Looks can be deceiving. After getting Logan all bundled up & put on a few layers myself, we were out the door. I was no farther than the driveway when I realized what an idiot I am. It was freezing. I decided to keep going considering that it took forever to get us both ready & we might as well just stick it out. Logan did great. Actually, all he did was sleep. He didn't make a sound. I, on the other hand, did not do so well. When it comes to being cold, I am a pure bred wimp. My fingers were too cold to move. My face was numb & my ears were burning in the cold wind.

The sun may have been shinning, but there was a bitter cold wind that pierced through my hoodie. We walked over snow that was still on the sidewalk, testing out the all terrain capabilities of our new stroller. I love it. It's a smooth ride, easy to control & hey, if we want to walk over snow drifts, we can.

We got back & as soon as I could move my fingers to call Bill, I left him a message. "I don't know what your idea of "nice" is, but it is freaking cold outside. Logan was ok, but I can't move my face. Just to let you know. Thanks. I love you".

Logan this morning as everyone is getting ready to go back home.
I can't believe that he's 3 weeks old already. He really is a good (& cute) baby.

Never separate a mother bear from her baby bear.
Unless you really want to loose an arm or a leg or worse, your head. That's one of the first things you learn when you go hiking in bear country. This is also the rule of thumb for any living thing, including people.

Bill's family has been over here this weekend again. I thought that the "crazy overprotective" feeling was going to be better. I thought, "Hmmm, time has passed. It's been a couple of weeks. I should be over this". I was wrong. It's worse. Time has passed, but that also means that the bond between us is much stronger. It makes every cell in my body explode with anxiety to see my son being taken care of by someone else when I'm being shooed off to bed, willing & able to do my mommy job. It's not that I don't trust others capabilities. It's quite the opposite. Everyone is very good with Logan & loves him very much. It's just my brain saying, "Hey, that's my job! I'm here & I can take care of him, not you".

The brain is very tricky to control when sleep deprived. There's the logical part reminding me that they are going to see Logan only a few times each year. Chill out. It's just for the weekend & soon enough, I'll be holding him again. But then there is the primal part of my brain, just like the mother bear. There is no voice, just feeling. Very intense feeling. It's such a deep & raw feeling that it surprises me.

I had finished feeding Logan when I brought him upstairs into his room to change him. He was on the changing table as I was getting the next "costume change" ready. Just as I turn around, Bill's mom had snatched him up off of the table & took him away to cuddle. The primal part of my brain wanted to scream. "Wait, you can't cuddle him! He's in a dirty diaper. I have to take care of that now!" I came out into the loft where everyone was hanging out. I was told that I should go to bed. That's when I almost completely snapped. I jolted up out of the chair & said, "Fine, I'm going to bed. Someone has to change him though". Anyone who thinks that a mom will be able to sleep when she can hear her fussy baby has another thing coming to them. It is physically impossible for me to sleep when I can hear him. I may be able to hear everyone else in muffled tones that I can ignore, but I can hear Logan as clear as a bell. Like he's sitting right outside of my bedroom door.

Bill came into the bedroom & said a few choice words to me, telling me that I was being short with everyone. I told him that when he is up every two hours, then he has every right to tell me that. Otherwise I didn't want to hear it. Short. They're lucky I was just being "short". If they only had a clue as to what was going on inside of my head. Bill later came back in to apologize for what he said & told me he knows that it's difficult. I cried telling him that he would never understand the feelings that were going on.

Sunday was much better. I had a little more sleep & we spent the day shopping. It wasn't the shopping that made the day better. It was the fact that Logan was in his car seat all afternoon & for some reason it felt a little more calm to me. Grandma bought Logan all sorts of new clothes, baby books & a rocking chair to sit in up in the loft. Grandpa bought him a stroller (which is really cool) & Aunt Ju Ju bought him a book, a cute frog rattle & long sleeved onesie.

Everyone has gone back home & Bill is at work. It's just me & the little munchkin again. It feels good. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone to death & I really appreciate all of the stuff they got for Logan & the help with dinners & laundry. It's just that family visits are so stressful now. It's ridiculous. I don't know if I'll ever get over it either. The mother bear mentality is probably going to be with me for the rest of my life.

I tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans today.
That was a mistake. I thought things were shrinking pretty quick, although I'm not even close to what I was pre-baby. I haven't had the time or the appetite to eat like I did during pregnancy & breast feeding has flattened my stomach & shrunk things down a little. I don't feel quite like the deflated balloon that I looked like right after delivery. Right. Well, I couldn't even get them past my huge hips & over my big butt. I'm only two weeks post-partum. I don't know what I was thinking. Wishful thinking I guess. I should've known better though. I can't count how many times that I told my post-pregnancy clients not to worry. "It took 9 months for your body to change. It's going to take some time to get it back". Maybe I should follow my own advice.

The changes my body has gone through are quite amazing. It still boggles my mind that I carried a small baby for so long. Other than my hips & butt getting bigger, I did get a few stretch marks, or as we like to call them, love marks. It seems that I've gotten away pretty unscathed in that department though. They don't bother me at all because it reminds me of the sacrifices that I made to have Logan here with us.

However, the thing that bothers me the most is my hunch back posture. I noticed it right after delivery. It's a little better, but not much. I swear I feel like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. In the hospital, the nurses said it was from pushing in that scrunched up position & holding Logan during breast feeding (even though I use a Boppy pillow). I really need to find the time to start pilates again & see the chiropractor as well.

As anxious as I am to get back into shape (especially before summer when Logan & I will be hanging out at the pool), I'm not going to pressure myself. I'm going to wait 2 more weeks when Logan is a month old. By then we should be pretty familiar with routines & what not. I have a feeling that It's going to be a battle to take the car & have Bill watch Logan while I get to the gym. I'm probably going to have to develop a routine at home. Thankfully I know what I'm doing & it will be easy to do.

The reign of Mr. Fussy Fuss continues.
I can handle all of the jobs of a stay at home mom...human dairy factory, laundromat owner, master diaper changer, baby spa technician specializing in baby hygiene, house maid cleaning up spit up & other bodily fluids, human rocking chair aka: baby psychologist for a shoulder to cry on & the newly discovered baby entertainer: the singing mom & DJ.

Logan has definitely inherited our appreciation for music. It's one of the few things that will automatically get him to calm down & relax. In the morning I usually feed him & then put on some classical music to burp him & hold him until he's ready for a diaper change. If he decides that the music is sufficient, he'll look around & cuddle. If Mr. Fussy Fuss has taken over, he makes me sing (or hum if there aren't any words). It's a good thing that I've had years of piano lessons & sang in many choirs for school, church & in the shower, otherwise he might have some busted ear drums.

His musical tastes change throughout the day. In the afternoon, he likes it a little bit louder & with a little bit more beat. It seems the house turns into a mini-baby rock concert. I'm glad that we live in a house because if he lived in an apartment, we would be getting major noise complaints. This must all stem from the concerts & music that Bill & I listened to while Logan was still in utero.

So, with all of these jobs to do, being a mom is physically, mentally, emotionally demanding & exhausting. I can handle everything during the day, but hit my limits at night. Usually around 11 pm when I'm so completely worn out, but Mr. Fussy Fuss decides that he's ready to go to bed at 1 or 2 am. Those last few hours are absolutely hellish. Bill gets home between 9:30 & 11 pm, depending on the day. Right when I'm starting to turn into crazy mommy. When I hand Logan off he'll start to turn into Mr. Fussy Fuss, demanding that he be held by me, his baby psychologist & human rocking chair. Bill gets frustrated that he doesn't know what to do & thinks that he needs to be fed all of the time. I'm essentially a single parent with a personal shopper/sugar daddy (except the only thing that he's buying is diapers & wipes).

Today was Logan's first Doctors appointment.
We did a pretty good job of timing his feeding & getting ready. I was even able to take a shower & put on make-up (quite the miracle these days). It was pretty cold & windy outside so I got him dressed in his cute fuzzy bear jumper. He's so cute in it, I still haven't taken him out of it & plan on keeping him in it until he gets it dirty. It's one of the few outfits that actually fits him pretty well too.

We got to the appointment on time (another miracle. I was never on time to my prenatal appointments & I only had to get myself ready). A nurse had me get him undressed & she checked him out. It was a good thing that I stocked the diaper bag well, because when she took his temperature (rectally) he made a pretty big mess, almost getting her wet. His head was 14 1/4 inches. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz. A good weight gain, but hardly the super chunk that I thought he was turning into. He was measured at 21 inches long. So he hasn't grown heavy, but long. Everyone in Bill's family thinks that Logan is going to be a super tall guy, I'm thinking so too now. Bill guessed 6' 2'', his mom is guessing taller at 6' 4''. It will be interesting to see what happens.

The Doctor came in to do her exam. Everything checked out just fine. She recommended that Logan take a liquid vitamin supplement because he is solely breast fed. Because babies aren't outside in the sun (a good thing to reduce the risk of skin cancer), they lack the right level of vitamin D for bone development if they are breast fed. Formulas have added vitamin D. Afterward, we went down to the lab for his second PKU test. I had to hold him while the technician pricked his heel & literally milked the blood from his foot. It was not very fun, but Logan was a trooper. He cried just a little bit in the beginning. We go back in six weeks for his vaccinations (yikes, we're both not going to like that).

We left the clinic & went out for breakfast. Logan just hung out in his carrier, sleeping the whole time. I think the events of the morning had worn him out. We got home just in time to feed him again. I'm glad that we made it home, because I'm not feeling very comfortable about feeding him in public yet. It's a shame that I feel that way, but I'm sure I'll get over it with time & practice.

OK, I'm feeling a little white trash.
Logan's first outing was to Wal-Mart. Of all of the places we could have gone, we went to Wal-Mart. Logan, I'm sorry that it wasn't a more fun & interesting place. On Sunday when Bill got home, I told him that I needed him to watch Logan while I went to go & get him a Valentine's Day card. I'm still on "house arrest" even though I'm feeling the best I've ever felt in 10 months. I've wanted to go out & join the land of the free & living ever since we've been home from the hospital. The nurse that came over to do Logan's 3 day check up suggested that we wait until he is 4 weeks old before we take him out, due to cold & flu season. Unless I start to feel like a hermit (which I am. I've been a house hostage for 4 months now), then I can go on quick outings. Bill wasn't comfortable taking him out yet...until I needed him to watch Logan without me there.

Logan has become a little more fussy as the days go on. Bill has even named him "Mr. Fussy Fuss". Yes, Logan's father named him that. I hope it sticks so that when he's 16 & mad that he can't take the car or what not, I can call him "Mr. Fussy Fuss" & make him even more mad (what a terrible mother I am). Because he's become Mr. Fussy Fuss, it makes Bill really unsure of what to do to sooth him. So, when I mentioned that I needed to go & get a card, he quickly said, "Well, let's all go. We'll make a family outing out of it". I didn't care, as long as I could get out of the house.

I got Logan dressed in some warm clothes & bundled him up in the car seat. My original plan wasn't to go to Wal-Mart to get a card. They have a terrible selection. I wanted to go to Target or even make a longer trip to the Hallmark store. But, with Bill & Logan along (& Bill driving), we went to the closest store. Wal-Mart. Logan slept the whole time & didn't make a peep. It felt strange venturing out into the world again, but this time with our little baby in tow. Tomorrow we go to Logan's 2 week Doctors appointment. Maybe we'll be brave & go out for breakfast afterward. This time the outing should be a little more interesting & a little less white trash.

There is a magical feeling that happens when a mother is holding her baby close.
I'm sure science can explain it by hormone releases & chemical reactions, but emotionally, it's magical. It's difficult to explain. I feel it most when Logan & I are tummy to tummy, skin to skin. But I feel it every time I hold him. There is a tingling sensation where it's almost like I can feel his soul & he can feel mine. It's amazing.

I had heard a bit of information on the addiction of touch a few years ago. It was about chemical reactions that happen when you touch someone you love. These reactions are almost like an addiction when processed in the brain. I definitely felt this when I would hold Bill's hand, or when we would hug & hold each other. I would feel a sensation of fullness where I would describe it as our souls becoming one. With Logan, this sensation is ten times stronger. This sensation isn't "our souls becoming one", but more like our souls are speaking to each other. It's on a completely different level.

My pregnancy, delivery & life with Logan is one of the most incredible, fulfilling times of my life. I can't believe there was ever a time where I was thinking about not having a baby. I'm glad that I snapped out of that one, because I couldn't imagine missing out on these experiences. The unconditional, unexplainable love that I have for this little baby makes up for all of the sickness, pain & discomforts of pregnancy & the challenges of life with a newborn. I have never felt love like this or have ever been so happy in all of my life. I have a wonderful husband & a cute little son. My life is feeling purposeful & complete. Finally.

Last night was a repeat of the night before.
But this time to get Logan to sleep, we had to sleep together on the futon (because I don't feel comfortable with him in the bed due to SIDS). After I was holding him all day, Bill got home late last night & took over. It didn't last very long. Bill seems to think that Logan doesn't like to be held by him. I just think Logan doesn't like to be away from me...already. I didn't think attachments like this started so young. Every time Bill would hold him, he would cry. Then I would come & pick him up & he would stop (sometimes it took some rocking effort though). I think Bill just needs a little more practice. He is still a bit timid when he holds him. Logan likes to be held close & tight & rocked quite vigorously. Bill almost thought I was inflicting "shaken baby syndrome" to which I replied "If that were the case, he would be screaming. Don't worry, his head is supported & he's not going to break. He gets nice & relaxed this way".

Bill had to get to bed earlier because of work, but tried to stay up with us. By 12:45 am, I told him that he should probably get to bed, it might be a while. Logan & I were up until 2:00 am (again). Every time I attempted to get up to get us to bed, he would wake right up. I finally decided that we were going to sleep upstairs in the loft on the futon. It's a really comfortable place to sleep & I'm not worried about SIDS on there. Logan fits nicely on his back in the crook of my arm with his head on my shoulder. It worked out really well. He woke up every 3 hours to eat & it was easy to get him back to sleep or calm him down if he got fussy. It was a lot less stressful than the night before. I just don't want this to become a habit. I like sleeping in my bed next to Bill. It feels really strange not being with him at night, especially since I don't see him at all during the day. we have a co-sleeper in the room, but it seems like Logan wants to be on top of me when he sleeps. Maybe he wants to be back inside the womb.

Logan has changed overnight.
He used to eat, get a diaper change & go back to sleep. This was the routine all day long. It was a nice routine. I could get things done, take long hot showers & get some good naps in (when I really felt like sleeping). Well, as of last night, he has decided that he's not that interested in sleep as much as he used to be. We went to bed around 11 ish, but Logan had a different plan. He (& I) didn't get to bed until after 2 am. The minute I put him down he would start to fuss. I would pick him back up, rock him to sleep & put him down again. Multiple times he would wake up just as I was getting to sleep. It was very frustrating. He also wet through 3 different outfits in an hour & a half. Being super cold in the house & half way naked that early in the morning sure didn't help him either.

This morning when he woke up, he has now decided that not only is he not going to sleep as much, but I have to hold him all of the time. He won't go into his crib to try & sleep. He won't chill out in the swing unless he feels like it. Mostly, he wants me to hold & carry him everywhere. I was making breakfast earlier today when I found out about his sudden change. I had to hold him while I ate my waffles. Talk about tricky. I would look down at him & see that he was asleep & try to put him down, but the minute I got up he would wake up again. I hope this means that he's going to sleep longer at night.

It's amazing that things can change so fast. Just as we were getting used to a routine, I have to problem solve & develop a new one. I had figured out the breast feeding situation, now I have to figure out the sleeping & napping situation. The tools that I have, like the swing & the binky aren't as reliable as they used to be either. I have to come up with new tools & coping techniques. Being a mom is a job that requires real skills. I feel like if I can do this, I can do anything.

The timing of his change is a little funny too. This is the first day that Bill had to go back to work. He is the glue that holds that gym together. Things were starting to fall apart while he was on his "vacation" (which it really was for him). Because he was going back to work, I didn't want to wake him up to help me last night. I also don't have a helping hand to cut up my waffles as I hold Logan or watch him while I brush my teeth & take a shower. This is the first day of the real thing. The stay at home mom routine. I think my left arm is going to get stronger than my right from holding Logan all of the time & I'm becoming more efficient at doing things one handed, until we get our Baby Bjorn. Then I'll be able to strap him on & do some stuff around the house. What a little monkey he is.

There is a big difference between mothering & fathering.
Mothering is a natural instinct. When Logan cries, it's like I automatically know what to do. I can pretty much tell what he wants & needs all of the time. It's almost like he's an extension of me. Fathering on the other hand is "on the job training". I can see why most fathers don't get involved with taking care of a newborn. It's very frustrating for them. They don't have a clue what to do.

Bill is hanging in there really well. I know that he gets frustrated, but he never gives up. He says he doesn't know how to get the baby to sleep, but he'll still hold & rock him at night. He still holds the baby very cautiously, like he's going to break (where I feel like a monkey, slinging their baby around with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm careful, but confident). I think that the majority of the frustration comes from Logan being fussy mostly when he's hungry, so that's where I have to come in. Bill is a master diaper changer & swaddler though. He's also the person that keeps me grounded & talks sense into me (like when I freak out about Logan spitting up so much & want to call the Doctor. He calms me down & assures me that everything is ok, which it is). I'm really glad he's being patient. He's such a great dad.

Wow, I had no clue.
Everyone says that you do a lot of laundry when you have kids, but I didn't think that it would be this much. Other than feeling like a dairy cow, I also feel like I own a laundromat. Between his spitting up & leaky diapers, he goes through 4-5 different outfits (onesie & a sleeper or jumper), 7-8 burp cloths & 2-3 blankets a day. We like to call these "costume changes".

We noticed something funny about those costume changes too. We try to find the most simple, easy to put on & take off outfits. Forget about all of the cute clothes, like the 3 piece outfits, that we found at boutiques & other baby departments. We used to get so excited about finding those outfits too. It's all about being practical right now. My how priorities change. I'll get him dressed in those cute clothes soon, maybe when we have company or decide to venture out in 3-4 weeks (when his immune system is a little bit stronger). But for now, I'm keeping it to the basics. He still looks really cute though.

Here is the birth announcement that Bill finished last night.
I'm really glad that he knows about graphic arts & how to use photoshop. It saved us a lot of money & how cool is to say that you actually made the announcement too.

Well, last night was interesting.
Lesson number one: start watching the clock when Logan is eating. They say not to, but I think that applies to women who's milk flow is normal. I wasn't paying attention & just letting him finish on each side. Well, he got too full & outright puked everywhere. It reminded me of a frat boy who dared to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. Yes, there was that much volume coming out. Shocked, I just looked at the mess all over me, soaked to my underwear, the cloth diaper soaked all the way through, the computer chair soaked & huge puddles on the floor. I felt really bad.

Earlier tonight I decided to pump & see how much he was getting. In a loose 10 minutes I was able to get 3 oz. The breast pump doesn't express as much as a baby would either. I researched a little on the net to see how much he should be able to eat. The maximum capacity of his stomach at this age is about 1.5-2 oz. Well, no wonder why he's spitting up (or throwing up) all of the time. He eats for about 10 minutes...on each side. I am officially a dairy cow with an over production of milk. Now I've figured out how to slow things down & make it easier for him to eat. So far, so good. Thank God for the internet!

My baby boy is growing up so fast....ALREADY!
I swear, every time I wake him up, he looks older & bigger. It's freaky. It makes me very happy that I'm staying home with him, otherwise if I were to drop him off at daycare, I would feel like I was picking up what seemed like a different child everyday.

He is starting to smile & make all sorts of faces. There is the grumpy man face, the wide eyed surprised face & my favorite, the scrunched up-don't put that binky in my mouth face, which is the same as the I'm going to bite you really hard when I'm eating face. I didn't think that was supposed to happen until he was six weeks old. He's six days. He smiles at me all the time, especially after eating. I tested it out to make sure it wasn't a fluke (or gas) & it's not. He & Bill were sticking their tongues out at each other last night too. It was pretty cute.

Logan is a typical boy. Messy is the only word to describe him. That & he eats all of the time in mass quantities. The nurse who came by to do a check up on him yesterday weighed him on the scale. He's gained 6 oz. in 3 days. She confirmed that I had enough milk for triplets & that he was eating well. My Aunt Meg & cousins had sent a "baby shower in a box" with all sorts of great gifts. One of them was a pack of cloth diapers. I was thrilled because they are the perfect size to catch his spit up, leaky breast milk & the now often "trifecta of chaos"-stream of pee accompanied with spit up everywhere while trying to catch a new batch of poop after I've already taken off the dirty diaper. He also can't seem to keep his hands off of his little johnson as well. Typical boy.

What an experience so far!
There are many skills that help to have when you are a new mom. Patience, flexibility, creativity & the ability to multi task, just to name a few. Last night was a time to practice creativity & multi tasking.

Logan has his little quirks. He will not eat if he has a messy diaper (I don't blame him). However, he never cries to let us know that he needs to be changed. I don't find out until I wake him up to eat & by that time he's ready & hungry. I usually end up changing him, feeding him & then changing him again. So last night he needed to eat, get a bath & a diaper change all at the same time. He wouldn't eat with the messy diaper, but was too hungry to take a bath first & I was trying to be frugal with the diapers (because he's going through so many of them). So, I take off the diaper, wipe him down & drape a wash cloth between his legs. He was ready to eat then. I thought it was pretty smart, until he pooped (which made me jump) & then he peed on me. Bill thought that was pretty funny.

Is it just me, or is this whole baby thing really easy?
Our transition home has been a piece of cake. I don't know if I have a really good baby (which I think he is anyway) or people complain about a whole lot of nothing. We are on a nice little routine where Logan eats every 2-3 hours durring the day & every 3-4 hours at night. He is not only the eating champion of the hospital, but now the pooping champion of the house. This kid is doubling the "standard" number of diaper changes for his age & I've never done so much laundry in all of my life. What an over achiever!

My milk came in yesterday & let's just say that if I ever get augmented, I'll know what I'll look like. The engorgement was so bad that I slept with ice packs on my chest. It didn't really hurt, but more so felt like they were going to explode. They've settled down a bit today however, they now leak at the drop of a hat. I'm getting the feeling that I have enough milk for triplets. It's been so much that Logan eats too much & spits up often. He had a projectile spit up that startled me last night & a smaller one that came out of his nose this morning. Yummy, I know. I'm starting to carry a burping cloth with me at all times now.

We also had Bill's mom & sister visiting this weekend. I'm glad that it was just a few days, because I did get that "crazy over protective" feeling while they were here. Not so much with his sister, but with his mom. The only time I ever touched Logan was when he needed to eat & get his diaper changed. Otherwise he was taken hostage. I kept telling myself in the back of my head to not freak out, she lives in another state & is only going to see him a handful of times during the year (unless they end up moving out here). The craziness did put me on edge with a few breast feeding comments though.

A few minutes before they arrived, I changed Logan's diaper, but then he proceeded to pee all over (even being covered). So I got him cleaned up with a sponge bath, but he was getting upset because he was hungry. They got here just as I was getting him dressed & ready to eat. He eats for about 10 minutes on each side & 5 minutes into it Bill's mom yells out "Are you done yet? Cause I'm ready to hold him!" For cryin' out loud, I know it's exciting & all, but calm down. All I could do is roll my eyes & tell her that he will be finished in 15 minutes. Meanwhile I can hear them talking about diaper changes & poop consistency & she says "well, that's what you can expect from a breast fed baby", almost like it's a bad thing.

Later that afternoon, it was getting close to the time that Logan needed to eat. He was comatose (he probably gets that from me) & I needed to wake him up. When I explained that he needed to eat, she looked at me & quickly said, "He's not awake yet". I was just a little annoyed when I explained that he's on a schedule & if I don't wake him up, he'll sleep for hours on end (to which I would be up all night long). The straw that almost broke the camels back was after dinner when I was dealing with spit up & engorgement, she commented about how "that's the difficult thing about breast feeding, you never know how much they are getting". To which I exclaimed (most likely with a little edge in my tone), "I'm not going to formula feed, at all". I think she got it because afterward she was saying how good breast feeding was for Logan.

I was really anxious at the end of the night when he needed to eat again ( this time she got the hint). However, she took forever to try & wake him up, very slowly undressing him & quietly calling his name (which in no way was going to do anything but take up time) the meanwhile my chest almost rock solid with pressure. I was proud of myself for keeping my composure while ringing my hands & quietly taking deep breaths.

Everyone left this afternoon & now I can finally hold & cuddle my baby. It's strange how strong the mothering instinct is. I really hope that it's not going to be like this every visit, because they are coming back in two weeks.

Logan's first pictures

Kristin & Logan Hanging out after a bath

A couple of Logan's first bath pictures

Making a funny face while getting changed

Looking cute

At the hospital

Mom & baby recovering after a lot of work & excitement

Logan is finally here!!!!!
He was born Tuesday, January 31st at 7:59 pm. Weighing in at 7 lbs 3 oz., 18 1/2 inches long & a 13 3/4 inch head.

Tuesday morning after being in the tub forever, Bill came home & brought me breakfast. I actually ate it in the tub. I just couldn't seem to leave the comfort of the water. When I did (because I was turning into a prune), I would climb into bed & try to sleep (yeah, right). When a contraction hit, I was on all fours on the bed, swaying back & forth. After it ended I tried to lay on my side to rest. I alternated between the bed & the tub until about 12:30 pm. Then it really hit me. While in the tub, I was in so much pain all I could do is moan & that wasn't even helping. Then I got sick. Really sick. So much for breakfast. I called out for Bill, "Let's go now!" I thought I was in transition & might not make it to the hospital in time. He started getting the rest of the bag packed & I got dressed (leaving the house without a jacket) & we were on the road.

We get to the hospital & the labor & delivery parking lot is full. We notice a couple of women just hangin out in their car. Bill honks at them & asks if they are waiting for someone. "No, we're just smoking", says the driver. "Can you move? I'm in labor!" I yelled at her. Parking in a laboring woman's parking spot is worse than parking in the hadicaped place. We get parked & Bill helps me out of the car. I can barely walk. It feels like I've been stabbed with a sword in my side. We get up to the desk to check in & there's no receptionist. I'm leaning over the counter moaning & a nurse walks out & gets a wheel chair for me. We get into the labor room & the same great nurse that saw me the night before came in to check my progression. She asked if I was going to get an epidural. "If I don't have that much farther to go, then I want to try it without". So she checks & tells me that I'm 3 cm. "Shit! You've got to be kidding me! With all of that work at home?!" Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled. So I readily agreed to the epidural.

The anesthesiologist comes in to get me set up. The contractions were right on top of the other & I wasn't getting much of a break. He gave me the local (which was really painful) & then got everything started. Just as he had finished, my water broke. All I can say is THANK GOD for modern medicine. If I didn't have the epidural, contractions after the waters are broken get more difficult. The timing was perfect. The medicine kicked in & it was like heaven. I could relax & breath & everything seemed more controlled. A couple of hours later I got checked again & was now at 5 cm. Bill & I took a nap & when we woke up & got checked again, I was at 10 cm. "You can start pushing whenever you want", said the Doctor surprizingly. I could feel Logan moving farther & farther down with each contraction (that I didn't feel). I decided to let him move down on his own & let things stretch out a bit. So we did "passive decent" for about 30-45 minutes until I felt like he was right there. I never really had the urge to push, but I did feel like he was "slipping" out.

I got checked again & everyone was surprised that he was right there. I pushed for 30-45 minutes. The pushing went well even though I couldn't really feel the muscles that I was supposed to use. The next thing I know, they have all of the room set up & out he comes, just like that. They put him on my stomach & clean him up. Bill is in tears, I'm just shocked & extatic. It was the most surreal experience of my life. All of a sudden, here is this little person who seemed to be my "imaginary friend" for so long, looking at me. They stitch me up (I had a 2nd degree tear) & they check Logan out. He was perfect. 8 & 9 apgar scores, he wasn't blue (which is unusual for high altitude births) & he made the most expressive faces. He latched on to feed 15 minutes after he was born & has never stopped eating since.

We were moved to the Mother & Baby unit to recover. I felt great. Tired, thirsty & starving, but great. The first night went well. I didn't sleep much because Logan was cluster feeding every hour. I didn't seem to bother me or tire me out though. The next morning all of the Doctors, nurses & staff come in & out to do their stuff. We talked to the lactation specialist about Logan constantly eating. She said that he was the feeding champion of the hospital that day & if all babies ate like him, she would be out of a job. So that was good! Bill & I were talking about leaving that afternoon, but many people suggested that we stay. The nurse from our insurance company actually cancelled the circumcision for the day & said that it would be best to stay another night even if I felt fine. I am so glad that we took their advice. Logan was up crying all night (very gassy on both ends) & we were at our wits end. I hit my breaking point. After practically no sleep since Sunday, hormones changing, body healing & baby crying (which really does affect moms emotionally) & cried along with him. If we were at home, I probably would have freaked out. Because we were at the hospital with a team of nurses that I could call at the drop of a hat, it was much more comforting.

We stayed all of the next day for a total of 48 hours. It was the best decision that we could have made. I felt much more confident about taking care of him & how I was healing up. Every hour just gets better & better. Now that we are home, it really is starting to feel like we are a family. The dogs have been good. Beck is oblivious to anything & Buddha had an automatic babysitter instinct kick in. He barks when Logan cries, but it's more of a "concerned" bark than anything. Kitty didn't know what to think at first, but she has now become a great help in keeping Logan awake when he eats (he's terrible about instantly falling asleep latched on). She will sniff him & lick his hair, but mostly just kicks back & watches. She was pretty upset that she won't be sleeping with us anymore though. She tried to break into the room all night long.

So today was our first "real" day at home & I think everything will be all right. We are getting the hang of day & night time routines & getting settled in. What an adventure! But I would do it all over again (so far).

It seems like I've had absolutely no sleep at all.
The contractions never stopped yesterday & lasted well into the night. I kept moaning & flipping & writhing in pain & breathing. They were starting to get stronger & by 4:30 this morning, I could hardly stand it & started the bath. I was in there for 2 hours. There were times that it was very difficult to breath through the hard stuff & thought to myself, "I have no clue when to go back to the hospital now"!

Bill had to get up early to go to work this morning. It's the last day of the month & one of the busiest days of the year. I was so tired & didn't want to be home alone feeling like this. He promised that he was going to call his boss & come home early. After seeing me in the tub this morning, I don't doubt it.

After being out of the bath & eating a banana, the contractions are still there, but not as bad. I started a load of laundry & hope to take a long nap. I also hope that today is the day we drive back to the hospital, but who knows. I feel like my body is doing some strange stuff.

False alarm! Sigh.....
I woke up this morning at 3:30 with this very intense pressure. I thought that it was my bladder going crazy. So, I get up for the middle of the night break as usual, except this time, there's no relief. I go back to bed thinking it will go away, or maybe Logan has just dropped down even farther. After a few minutes the pressure turns into pain, very intense menstrual type pain. I used to have cramps that would bring me to the fetal position on the floor with tears in my eyes. This was almost the same & now I could time them. FINALLY! Contractions that I could time! These were not braxton hicks contractions either! I wake up Bill to see what time it is & he gets up to grab the stop watch. I was getting contractions every 5 minutes for an hour. I wasn't holding my breath that this was going to be the real thing, so I jump into the shower to see if anything changes & get cleaned up if it is the real thing. I was still getting them in the shower. I was getting them as we finished packing & as I was getting ready. They were pretty painful & the consistancy was there. I turned to Bill, "I think this is it".

We get on our way hitting morning traffic jams & every single stop light. Then the contractions started to space farther apart. Nice. Just as we are almost there. We get checked in & put into an observation room. The nurse (who was really nice) hooked me up to the fetal monitor & then did a pelvic exam (not digging in as far as the O.B. did on Friday. Still uncomfortable, but she was really understanding). Then she tells me that there isn't any change from Friday. Everything looks good, but not progressing. I think I was too tired to react. She told us to go walk around for a couple of hours & then she would check me again. So Bill & I go walking around the Labor & Delivery unit & the Mother & Baby unit. We walked by a room where it sounded like someone was just being born. The baby gave out a loud cry & I wanted to cry too. I wanted it to be us in the room. We walked for what seemed like forever, passing another couple on walking duty too.

We walked back to the observation room & got hooked up to the monitors again. The contractions were still registering at about 5-7-3-5 minutes apart. The nurse turned me on my side to see if it would increase the intensity. Apparently, when you're laying on your back it restricts the blood flow & thus lessens the intensity of the contraction. It seemed to work. It also felt like we were in that room for eternity. I was falling asleep as I listened to the nurses talk about Logan's fetal movements, "Look at what that baby is doing! She's on her side too!" & Bill was falling asleep in the chair next to me. The nurse comes back in & checks my cervix again. This time it's moving forward a little bit more, but no more dialation than when I came in. Basically, the contractions weren't doing their job. The midwife comes in & explains what's going on & gives me homework. I have to eat, go to sleep to get some rest, drink lots of water (I was a little dehydrated & that can cause painful yet ineffective contractions), take a bath & take a walk. If anything changes & I feel "different", then come back in. They thought that I might be back tonight or tomorrow morning.

Dissapointed, we left & got bagels for breakfast. We got home & took a 3 hour nap. I took a bath, but ran out of hot water so it wasn't that relaxing. Then we took the dogs for a walk. Bill's sister told us that her good friend went bowling when this happend to her & it got her body into the swing of things. I had a friend at the gym tell me the same thing. His mom did that when she was pregnant with him & he was almost born at the bowling alley. Bill & I laughed at the idea, but thought it would be a fun way to kill some time. So we went out for dinner (sushi...because I was told I could eat anything...yeah! It really made my day better). Bill had some really bad back pain last week & it started to flare up again. We decided to walk the mall instead of bowling. So, we walked some more & then got some hot fudge sundaes on the way home.

So here I am now, the same painful contractions all day long & it's going nowhere. It's been quite an eventful day with a not quite so eventful end. I really hope things change soon, because dealing with these contractions is not fun. I thought I was uncomfortable before! Now I'm just in pain every 5 minutes on top of it! Please Logan, come out soon...

Its 6:00 and we are headed to the Hospital!!! Wish us luck.
-Bill

Enough with the phone calls already!
It used to be funny & cute that I would get phone calls from family wondering what's going on. I get a call from my mother in law daily, sometimes twice a day. I even get calls from Bill durring the day wondering how everything is feeling. Now it's getting annoying. Especially because I say EVERY TIME, "Nothing. No contractions that I can time. No fluid leaks. He still is kicking. It's the same as yesterday, the day before that, last week & the week before that. I feel huge & very tired". Everyone is questioning me like we wouldn't call them if it was the real thing. I promise that everyone will know when we are on our way (or actually admitted in)!

I guess I'm just getting grumpy because everyone is so anxious for Logan to be born. If there's anyone who wants him to be born, it's me! I'm the one lugging this kid around all day. I'm the one getting my bladder squished to all eternity. I'm the one getting kicked all day & all night. I'm the one who's been sick for the last 9 months & living on freaking cancer medication & zantac. Wow, after reading that, I didn't realize how grumpy I was. It was good to vent though!

Yesterday was my 39th week appointment.
I've lost a few pounds, which I was told is normal before going into labor. I saw the Doctor, whom I haven't seen in a month or so. I've been seeing the nurse practitioner for the last few visits. She did a pelvic exam to see how things were progressing. It was the most uncomfortable exam...ever. I was wincing on the table as she was so rough. I'm still at about 1 1/2 cm dialated, but now 80% effaced. So, there is a little more progress than last week. I also asked about the station number, because in the past I was always just told he was low. She said he was at a zero. Not as low as I had been thinking, but not floating either. So he's trying to come out. She mentioned how she hoped I would have the baby this weekend, but there's no telling when Logan will make his arrival.

After the exam was complete she said that I might spot a bit (I thought she was trying to pull the baby out right there, I expected some spotting from that!). I really think she stripped the membranes without telling me. But who knows. All I know is that I haven't felt the same since. I've been really achey & crampy. I have been spotting quite a bit & I just don't feel "right". So, if she did strip the membranes & it works, then I can expect to see Logan in the next 2-7 days (like I wasn't already expecting that anyway). We'll see what happens.

After the appointment, Bill & I went out for dinner. I ate more than I ever thought I could. I was starved. We rolled ourselves out of the restaurant & we went to the store to get stuff to make sugar cookies for dessert. There were so many pregnant women there I thought I might have missed the memo for a convention. It seemed that sugar was on everyones mind last night! The cookies were great though. Plus we made popcorn too. I don't know where I found the room for all of this, maybe a secret second stomach.

As for the birthday game, My mother in law was guessing that Saturday (today) would be the day. We still have all day, but I dont think so. Bill is somewhat giving up because all of his predicitons have not come true. But then again, he was guessing on some early dates. So now he thinks that the 31st (Tuesday) might be the day. I'm still sticking to February 1st or 2nd (Wednesday/Thursday), his due date. With our luck, Logan is going to be as stuborn as I am (grrrreaaaat) & hold off for a couple more weeks. If he doesn't show up this next week, I have another Doctors appointment for Thursday.

I wish we had a piano.
We even have the perfect sized space for one in the living room. I used to play for years. I remember trying to teach myself when I was 6. I eventually got the hang of it & learned to play by ear. That & my grandma Nancy would teach me a little too. I started lessons, I just don't know when (10 maybe?) & stopped them when I met Bill when I was 17. It was a lot of fun. I got to play in concerts & competitions in highschool.

For years I've mentioned that I want to pick it back up. A couple of years ago Bill got me a keyboard for christmas. It was sweet & I thought it would be the same, but it's not. Nothing beats the real thing. It's kind of funny that we have all of these instruments (keyboard, guitar, digideroo) & nobody plays them. Music is such a huge part of our lives too!

I often wonder if Logan will appreciate music as much as we do. Will he want to play piano, guitar, or maybe something else? What kind of music will he like? We were talking about what we could listen to around Logan because Bill is in a big rap phase (again). I told him that I don't want our toddler singing about smacking his ho. We laughed, but it's true. With as much reggae as I've been listening to, I'm convinced that he'll be born rastafarian.

These are my last days of being fat. Thank God.
It was fun while it lasted, but I'm ready to get back into shape. I feel like a whale, especially when trying to flip in bed in the middle of the night. I also can't believe that I get out of breath so much. I mean, I get out of breath just having a conversation on the phone. Ridiculous.

My nutrition hasn't been perfect by any means durring pregnancy. Which is so backwards. I'm supposed to be eatting the heathiest at this time. Pre-preg, I counted calories, had my carbs, protein & fats balanced, didn't eat sugar...I was called the nutrition nazi at the gym. I was really that strict & disciplined. Now, I've had more fast food than I ever thought I would eat & I'm pretty sure I have some kind of chocolate (or sugar) on a daily basis. Portion controll is not in my vocabulary right now either. I'm really surprised that I haven't gained 70-100 lbs.

I've cried after seeing my butt in the mirror before. I glanced at the full length mirror in our bathroom as I was on my way to bed. I sighed & then started to cry. I remember a comment one of the members of the gym made when I said that I was pregnant. "Well, there goes the body". I was so offended I almost said a few choice words. But it's true. I have a double chin now. A freakin double chin. I noticed it yesterday while brushing my teeth.

I'm tired of seeing more commercials for weight loss supplements, most of them targeted specifically to postnatal weight loss & women. I'm also tired of reading stories about women who were back to their pre pregnancy shape 3 weeks after delivery. How crazy is that! I hoping that I'll be there in 3-6 months, not weeks!

I have no clue why I'm even worried about this. As a personal trainer, I know exactly what I need to do. I've trained countless postnatal women. I think it's just a strange feeling to be on the other side, knowing what I know. I better shut up & keep enjoying the Frosties & 7-layer burritos that Bill brings home for me because once Logan is born, it's back to nutrition nazi status.

I don't think Bill is psychic.
He was able to guess that we're having a boy, when I swore up & down that we were having a girl (great 50/50 odds there). He was so sure that we were going to have Logan today though. I don't think so (but hey, we still have 11 more hours to go, so who knows). It would've been a cool birthday to have...01/23/06. I was guessing the 25th, but now I'm changing my mind. He'll probably be born on February 2nd. The day after his due date (it was his original due date, but they changed it after the ultrasound). With the exception of the HG complications, the pregancy has been text book normal. I think Logan may be one of the few that are born on their due date, arriving right on time.

I thought about making a trip to labor & delivery yesterday, but I didn't jump the gun. I thought I was leaking fluid, but decided to jump in the shower & change to see if there was a consistant leak. There wasn't. I have been feeling a little gross the last few days. Tired, achey, nauseous (I haven't been taking my zofran daily because I'm on my last refil & have just a few pills left. I'm saving them for 1st trimester-like symptoms) & a little crampy. I haven't had any contractions really, or ones that I notice anyway. The sharp pain that sent me to the hospital last month has been getting stronger & a tad longer (than a split second), so I hope that means the cervix is changing more.

I keep thinking about the cleaning that I want to get done, but I don't want to do it either. I'm back to being a house hostage again because Bill has had a ton of meetings to go to & his hours have been crazy (15-17 hour days), so he's needed the car. Besides, he doesn't want me to drive at this point anymore for the fear of me going into labor & he not being able to get to me fast enough. Disappointing, but understandable. It's a bummer that I won't be able to work out at the gym or get whatever I'm craving for lunch. I guess that's the way things go now though. It's a good thing I love our home & don't mind being here.

Today was my 38 week appointment...
And sadly there is nothing new happening. I'm still at 75% effacement & I've dilated to maybe 2 cm. I knew that it's very common for women to kind of "limbo" at certain phases, it's just a little disappointing when it happens to you.

Being in limbo sucks. On one hand, it's frustrating because I just want to be finished growing this baby so he can come out & join the family. On the other hand, I want to stay pregnant just because I'm nervous about going through the delivery. I know logically & physically what to expect & what's going to happen (for the most part). I just don't know what to expect mentally. How I'm going to feel, if I'll be able to push myself to just do it (or if Bill will be able to do that for me as a coach), or if I'll be able to focus & take control. So, I guess this is limbo with a little bit of tug of war.

I am proud of myself however, for making the right choice to not try & force things to happen. I was given the option of getting the membranes stripped, or "cervical stimulation" as they like to call it. I told them to wait a week & we'll see what happens. I would've felt like a fool if we did, & nothing happened, or worse, I ended up needing medical interventions. All because I was too impatient. I could tell that Bill was a little disapointed when I said no. He turned around & asked, "Can you tell when labor is going to start? Will it be this weekend?" He certainly wants Logan to be born soon. It's killing him to wait. Figures too, comming from a guy who gives me all of my birthday, anniversary & christmas presents early because he's too excited to keep it a secret. I think it's cute though. It makes me grin like an idiot thinking about how excited he is to be a dad.

So, we'll continue to be patient & wait. The next prenatal visit is next Friday. We'll see if anything happens by then, but I doubt it, which is ok. I can enjoy these last few days of being home by myself, getting all of the odds & ends taken care of in the house (aka: cleanning every nook & crany I can find).

I'm not going to watch TLC baby shows anymore.
Especially "Bringing Baby Home". I get the most frustrated irrational feeling watching it. It makes me think I'm crazy. It's all about parents bringing their baby home from the hospital & what the first two days are like. Everything is feel good & happy (granted overwhelming), until the extended family comes to see the baby. Sometimes it doesn't take long for them to show up & the grandmother always walks in the door, gives the parents a quick hug & "Where's the baby?" comes flying out. Now, I can appreciate family being excited to welcome a new baby into their lives. In fact, it would be a whole lot worse if they weren't excited. I know their intentions are nothing but good as well. However, it always feels like they come barging in to take over. The poor mom, just home from the hospital, tired & usually overwhelmed, gives the baby to grandma as she tries to force feed the sleeping kid (if they are bottle fed) & wake them up.

This feeling of irrational anger wells up inside me. I get so frustrated & protective. I don't know why I feel like this, it makes no sense. It's not even my baby! I got the same feeling a while back when Bill & I were shopping. There was a new mother checking out in front of us. Another cashier proceeded to pick up the baby (without asking) & carry her off across to another register, showing her off to other co-workers & customers & holding her on her hip. The mother seemed to be fine with this & smiled, proud to let others oogle over her little baby. I however, felt like if that was my baby, there would be a phone call to the police because I would be throwing punches.

After we left the store & got into the car I told Bill how I felt. I also mentioned that I was very afraid of feeling like this when we get home from the hospital & his family comes over. I told him that I knew it was stupid, but you can't control feelings, you can only control actions (I promised there wouldn't be any violence). I love his family to death, but it makes me wince when I think about comming home with Logan & having someone else hold him, telling me what to do. All I want to do is get comfortable, settle in, figure things out for myself (I'll ask if I have questions) & have special "new family" time. Fortunately, Bill seemed to understand what I was talking about. Durring one of these conversations, his sarcastic remark was, "You don't want to be told what to do? I never knew that about you!"....Yeah, thanks.

With his parents living hundreds of miles away, it's not going to be possible for them to be at the delivery or even be there the first week that we are home. They made flight arrangements for the middle of February & will be here for just a weekend. My sisters won't be here until the following month durring spring break (not like I think they are going to "take over" anyway). Bill's sister lives about an hour away, so she most likley won't make it to the delivery & possibly not even until the weekend (depending on when he's born). So these are situations that I don't even have to worry about. I can't help but feel a little crazy for feeling like this though.

So, with all of this talk about natural inductions, I remembered something pretty funny last night.
As Bill & I were laying in bed trying to fall alseep & talking at the same time (mainly me rattling off all of the negatives to his castor oil suggestion), I remembered that a really annoying morning radio show in Vegas had a recipe for a labor inducing salad. I haven't listened to this program for about 6 years. It's kind of funny that this even popped into my head & why I remembered it is beyond me, but I was able to find the recipe.

Romaine Lettuce
Gorgonzola Cheese
Chopped Walnuts
Water Cress
Balsamic Vinegar Dressing

I figured that the cheese is the inductor (as it is a semi-soft cheese that you aren't supposed to eat durring pregnancy due to the possibility of it harboring listeria...a harmful bacteria that can cause pre term labor & other complications). When we first found out that I was pregnant, we had to go to a class prior to our first prenatal appointment. We learned about what to expect in the next nine months & the do's & don'ts of pregnancy, like having someone else change the kitty litter box (One girl asked if it was ok to keep the cat box in the babies room, because that's where it is now. No joke.) & what not to eat. In this eatting conversation, the nurse proceeded to scare the crap out of all of the soon-to-be moms by telling us a story where one of the Doctors pregnant wife went to a wine & cheese party. She ate a little bit of brie cheese & ended up delivering a 26 week old fetus that night. We all looked at each other in horror making mental notes to never eat brie.

It seems that all of these inductions (natural or medical) are potentially dangerous. I guess there's a lot to be said about "going with the flow" & just letting things happen. Damn, it's another lesson on patience again.

I'm starting to get really nervous now.
It's just the fear of going through something significant for the first time. I know what to expect, but if it's anything like pregnancy itself, nobody can really prepare you for it. You just have to go through it & experience it for yourself. It's getting to the point where I'm doing visualizations at night before I go to bed. I lay there thinking about everything thats going to happen, step by step, as I want it to happen. I guess this is a little mental prep & hopefully putting a positive spin on things in my head.

I started to get nervous when I realized that when I was in for my prenatal appointment last week & was told that I could have a "cervical stimulation" done the next visit, she was talking about stripping the membranes. I know I've been a little mentaly slow durring pregnancy, but Jesus, I hope I have it together enough that I can make good health care decisions on the spot. Thank God I've had this week to read up on membrane stripping. It's a little invasive, less than pitocin & other inductors, but not 100% effective either.

Stripping the membranes involves separtating the amniotic sac from the cervix without rupture. The intent is to "jump start" labor within 48 hours to 7 days. Sometimes it doesn't work & continued strippings are done the following weeks, which increases the risk of infection. It seems that this is a routine practice at 38-40 weeks to reduce the risk of going post-term & needing additional inductors like pitocin & the possibility of also needing a c-section. Which is a little backwards in thinking because when it doesn't work, the uterus can contract irregularly causing a long labor & the need for medical inductors, epidurals, forceps, vacuum extraction & c-section are typically increased. It all depends on how the cervix is changing & most studies say that if it works, it's because labor was going to start soon anyway.

I don't want to go post-term (for various reasons...my size/baby size, c-section, lower amniotic fluid, lower functioning of placenta), but I also don't want to increase my chances of needing medical intervention. It seems that there is a fine line here. I'm going to try some natural inductors at home this week, like exercise (like I haven't already been doing that. Maybe I'll walk for 2 hours instead of an hour), nipple stimulation & maybe if Bill has enough energy after work, well...we'll see what happens. If my cervix has changed considerably, then maybe I'll go for it. If not, maybe I'll wait another week.

*Update*
Bill just called & asked "So, are you really ready to have the baby"? (Um, no. I think I'll let him stay in there forever). He had talked to one of the NICU nurses from the hospital that works out at his gym (she's going to hook us up with all sorts of extra stuff while we're there at the hospital). She told him to speed things up, walk a ton (check), have sex (I guess Bill is going to drink a Thermo on the way home), & then he asked if I wanted to drink Castor oil. Oh my God, NO! First, that's just gross. Second, I DO NOT want to do anything that's going to make me more miserable than I already am. I think I'll be able to tough it out a few more weeks if it comes down to that. "Please, not even for me?" he says. Who's having this kid anyway? I mean, I know work is really tough for him right now & he really needs a break, but for cryin' out loud. It's my colon at stake here. He just gets to kick back at wait for the trip to the hospital! Man, sometimes I wish guys could be able to get pregnant & deliver a big baby.

Our Beagle, Beck, almost died last night.
He is almost 7 years old & has been suffering from Canine Ideopathic Epilepsy since he was about 3. It's common to the breed & there's nothing that can treat this kind of epilepsy. Medications are available, but they don't really stop or prevent seizures very well & the side affects aren't that wonderful either. His seizures are occasional & random & range from mild to moderate in intensity. We've noticed that they happen more often when he eats though. Mostly because he eats really fast without chewing (like he's never seen food before) & that probably creates the short circut in his brain to trip.

Well, last night he ate his food & started to eat what Buddha (our Pug) had left over. The next thing I know, I hear Bill in the kitchen coaxing Beck to get up. He was layed out on his side mid-seizure. We were used to this (as horrific as it is to witness) & did the usual routine of sitting next to him to wait it out & prepared to clean up after him (as he looses all control of bodily functions). Then Bill noticed that he wasn't really breathing. He also looked different. There was a distant look of death in his eyes. This wasn't the usual intensity of his seizures. This was a grand-mal (or generalized tonic-clonic) seizure & the worst one he's ever experienced. He was also choking on the food he had just eatten. Bill swept his mouth clear & did chest compressions, modified doggie CPR. His seizure seemed to last forever & I swore he died. Trying to stay calm as to not go into labor, I left the kitchen whining "Billy, this is not good".

He eventually came to & Bill cleaned up the kitchen. We agreed that Bill probably just saved Beck's life. It was very scary & I'm an adult. Later I thought about how scary that would be to Logan. I hope he never has to witness something like that. But the reality is that we are going to teach him about illness & death at some point in time.

I don't remember having a conversation like that with my family, even though we lived on what I call a "mini-farm". We've had rabbits, ducks, geese, various other birds, tarantulas, turtles, dogs & cats (all at one time). I never remember my parents talking to me about when they passed (naturally or for dinner), however I'm sure my Grandma Nancy & the church taught me something about heaven. Hopefully Logan doesn't witness tradgic death & we can teach him about it in a peacefull, quiet way. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Yet, this is another thing that nobody tells you about parenting.

I'm 9 months pregnant with Logan.
Yesterday was my 37 week prenatal appointment. I wasn't expecting anything exciting, just like all of the other appointments. I knew that I was going to get the Group B Strep test, hear the heart beat, measure the uterus & possibly have my cervix checked. Since I had my cervix checked at labor & delivery just a short while ago & it was high & closed, I didn't expect any change. Well, I was wrong. I'm 75% effaced (cervix shortening & thinning) & 1 cm dilated. Things are starting to move! I had an appointment scheduled for 2 weeks, but because of the changes I'm going to get checked again next week. I was told that if I wanted to, they would do cervical stimulation, a natural induction, to get things going. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Holy crap! Logan could realistically be here in 2 weeks! I was a little freaked out last night. Not really in a bad way, but in the "oh my God, it's really going to happen" way.

I've been a little hormonal/emotional this morning as well. If I read a birthing story or God forbid I see one on T.V, break out the tissues! I constantly have a lump in my throat, I'm afraid that I'm going to make myself sick at the delivery from being so emotional. I think it's time for a bubble bath, a cuddle cat sitting next to me, chocolate ice cream (thank God we have some), some relaxing music & then hang out in my spa robe & slippers all day while I address the birth announcement envelopes.

I am ready for this pregnancy to be over.
These last few weeks are rough. I've been so uncomfortable with acid reflux, back aches, muscle tension everywhere, feeling heavy, waddeling when I walk, being exahusted after I do anything & braxton hicks contractions. I'm ready to have my body back. One of my clients told me that was the most difficult part of her pregnancy, not having her body being hers. Although, I am afraid of the baby blues & feeling empty afterward. I am used to Logan moving around & just being in there. The adjustments will be strange.

This is a list of things that I can't wait to do when Logan is born:

1. Eat sushi! My favorite!
2. Have my morning coffee again (although, that will have to wait for post-breastfeeding).
3. Drink a beer (again, after breastfeeding).
4. Go mountain biking, especially since I haven't been biking in Colorado yet.
5. Doing crunches & ab work again. I love not being able to stand up straight the next day.
6. Being able to move around with ease & not sound like a grunting cow when I get up.
7. Feeling normal. No nausia & being medication free.
   

Ahhh, almost there.

On Saturday I sat down & read "On Becoming Baby Wise".
It was given to me by Bill's mom when they were here over the holidays. I felt that it was good for me to read because as a first time parent, I have no clue what to do (much like other first timers, I guess). Some of my concerns before reading the book were, how do I get Logan on a schedule? What exactly am I going to be doing all day long? When & how is he going to start sleeping through the night? This book seemed to help with some of the answers.

The book talks about three parenting styles. Hyperscheduling, Attatchment or Demand Feeding & the books philosophy, Parent Directed Feeding. In hyperscheduling, you feed the baby every 4 hours, no matter what. It sounds like a baby boot camp style & that's certianly not going to fit our family. The book mentions how this can be dangerous by inducing dehydration & limiting your childs growth. Demand feeding is just that. Looking for hunger cues & pretty much offering food whenever the baby cries, looking at other possiblities last. Parent directed feeding is a combination of the two. Feeding the baby every 2 1/2 to 3 hours (sometimes more or less), or flexible scheduling & learning about parental assesment. When the baby is crying, taking a minute to asses the situation to best suite the babies need. It makes sense to me.

The book also had a sample schedule of what a typical day would look like:

Early Morning: (7am)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Waketime: Rock baby, put in play pen, etc.
3. Naptime.

Mid Morning: (10am)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Waketime: Take a walk with baby, run errands, etc.
3. Naptime.

Afternoon: (1pm)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Waketime: Bath, sing, read, etc.
3. Naptime.

Midafternoon: (4pm)
1. Feeding & diaper change
2. Waketime: Hang out with baby as you read, sew, watch T.V., etc
3. Naptime.

Late Afternoon: (7pm)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Waketime: Family time.
3. Naptime.

Early Evening: (10pm)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Possible waketime
3. Bedtime.

Late Evening: (1am)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Bedtime.

Middle of the Night: (4am)
1. Feeding & diaper change.
2. Bedtime.

These times are approximate & the goal is to be flexible, not watching the clock. But it really gave me an idea of what to expect in a day. I felt pretty good about the philosophy & some of the other things talked about in the book, like co-sleeping. We were thinking about getting a co-sleeper (not having him actually in the bed due to the risk of SIDS). After the book & really thinking about that situation, we're changing our minds. I don't think anyone would get a good night's sleep (as Bill & I flip a lot, plus I would probably watch the baby all night instead of sleep) & breaking the habit of kids in the bedroom is a pain in the butt. The main intention of co-sleeping was to make it easier getting up in the middle of the night. Laziness is not the best intention for the family. So we're getting a matress for his crib on Wednesday.

I didn't realize when reading that this book was pretty controversial in theory & that it was also written with religious intent. Most of the book makes sense to me, but I will be reading other parenting style books to get a wider view & better opinion on what to do.

It's been a quiet week & I feel like I'm just waiting.
Waiting for Bill to come home from work (he's been working 68-70 hours a week now that it's January. Gotta love New Years resolutions at the gym), waiting for Logan to get here (I thought he might be comming early, but now I've changed my mind. He's going to be right on time), just waiting for something to happen. I suppose this is a test on patience. A quality that I needed to severely improve on.

I was never really a patient person & wanted everything to happen...now. If I wanted to move, I wanted to do it right then. If I wanted to go to a certian school, I wanted to start the next day. Bill & life have taught me better. It's a good thing too because if I'm not going to be patient with Logan, I'm going drive everyone, including myself, nuts.

This pregnancy has made me more patient & mellow. I'm not as quick to tell people off anymore. There was a day that if someone irritated me, they would know from some kind of look or comment. I had a sharp tongue with Bill when we argued. I used to have really bad road rage as well. Now I drive like a grandma, if someone says anything out of line, it's ignored & the last time I freaked out on Bill was before I knew I was pregnant (but everyone else, including Bill knew) & hormones were out of control.

Last night we were watching something about the first nights home with the baby & how parents aren't really prepared for what's going to happen. A mom with her 3 week old baby had been talking about the lack of sleep & trying to calm her crying baby. "My husband & I were up reading books & on the internet trying to figure out what to do". "Thats going be be us", Bill says. "We're going to be up yelling at each other to go look it up on the internet". I thought about it for a minute. "I don't think so. I think we're going to be just fine. I guess I'm expecting the worst & if we get it, I'm not dissapointed. But if we get better, then that's just great. I really don't see us yelling at each other though". I just figure we're both going to be tired & what's the use of getting all bent out of shape over the two of us not having the experience of dealing with a newborn. That's where being patient is really going to come in handy.

My pre-maternity leave is almost over.
It's really been like a three month vacation of doing pretty much nothing. I will never get this chance again in my life. It was nice. Relaxing. Insightful. Boring. I was able to acomplish a whole lot of something. Not really nothing, but not really a whole lot either. The house is pretty much together, it'll take some growing into. Logan's room is pretty much finished except for a few little things & I did improve on my cooking skills (that in itself is a miracle). My "Martha"-in-training is almost complete.

I'm a little nervous about my new responsibilities. I guess it's like being nervous about starting the first day at a new job. I'm not quite sure what to expect (completely) & I have a lot to learn in a short period of time. Pretty soon my days will be filled with taking care of a family & running the house. Cooking breakfast in the morning for everyone, making sure everyone has clean clothes, beds are made & house is clean, infant massage classes, days at the park, cooking the family dinner every night. Sometimes I wonder what I'm getting myself into.

It's a little strange to anticipate self-change. I don't think I'll be the same person after Logan is born. Much like I wasn't the same person after I got married. I was better, or I had a better half anyway. I hope it works that way again. I hope I'll be better. A better wife, a better person. If I don't have better style & start wearing mom jeans...just shoot me.

I am slowly loosing my coolness.
I used to listen to all sorts of music. I would really rock out to Beastie Boys, Rage Against the Machine, Metalica, along with various rap artists like Snoop. Now I feel like I'm turning into a hippy. I don't feel like rockin out anymore. I'm listening to "adult contemporary" like Trey Anastasio, various reggae artists & now I'm hooked on "Smart Symphonies".

Yes, I've fallen into the "make your kid smart by listening to classical music" trap. The funny thing is that I didn't do it solely to increase Logan's intelect. Bill had downloaded it a few weeks ago & I just got hooked for myself. Someone had mentioned to me a while back that I should find a CD to listen to often while Logan was in the womb. Then after he's born & gets fussy, pop in the CD & it will help to calm him down because he'll be familiar with it. It makes sense, but I was never able to find a "calming" CD, until now. I swear I listen to it 4 or 5 times on repeat, so Logan will definitely be familiar with it.

These are my favorites:

Bach - Dreaming
Debussy - Clair de Lune
Giuseppino - Fuggi, Fuggi, Fuggi da Questo Cielo
Pachelbel - Kanon in D

What is up with pregnancy dreams?
I have had the most vivid & strange, disturbing nightmares since I've been pregnant. They say it might have something to do with hormones. I think I have crazy hormones. They were certianly most disturbing in the first trimester. Very gory, dead bodies, creepy to the point of waking me up & getting the crap scared out of me. I think that had a lot to do with being bedridden to the couch all day & getting hooked on episodes of CSI. I watched the whole series & it can be pretty graphic sometimes.

I did have a couple of baby dreams, not many though. I had one dream about seeing the baby (who I swore was a girl) after delivery & she was about a year old. Not a newborn. She was cute with short curly hair & big blue eyes with long eyelashes. She had the same shape eyes as I did too. She was really cute & just looked at me. That was it for the dream. The other baby dream was a little strange. I was in the Doctors office getting a checkup & an ultrasound. They had a new technology for ultrasounds where they actually delivered the baby to check it out & then they put it back in. They did this & everything was fine.

But really, it's all about nightmares. Last week I had one that woke me up pretty fast. Thank God the cat was sleeping next to me so I could pet her & fall back asleep. I dreamt that Bill & I were on a road trip somewhere. It looked like Arizona & the Grand Canyon. We were having an argument about him smoking (something that is a deal breaker for me because I used to work in a cancer clinic...I'm not signing up for lung cancer. He used to smoke before we got married & quit. Then after 9/11 & the crap that we went through, he picked it back up again without me knowing. I didn't find out until we moved to Portland, where he smoked at the truck stops. I was pretty pissed & told him to quit & thought he did, but didn't. It wasn't until we were working at the same gym & one of my clients told me that she didn't know Bill was a smoker. I said he wasn't....BUSTED. I was more than pissed this time. So, as far as I know, It's been over a year that he's smoked, but it's something that keeps nagging me in the back of the head. I feel like I always need to look for evidence & I'm always questioning in my head if I smell smoke on him or his breath). We are having a pretty heated arguement & he's telling me in the dream that he hasn't quit smoking. He tells me that I have no clue & that he keeps all sorts of secrets from me. As he's telling me this, he's not paying attention to the road. The road is curving to the left, but he's too busy telling me that he smokes. We drive off of a cliff into a deep canyon with a river at the bottom. It was like "Thema & Loise". He's screaming & I grab his hand & say "I love you" before we hit. I wake up from the falling feeling with a huge pit in my stomach. Yuck, I hate that feeling.

Happy New Year!
Just like everyone else is saying, I can't believe it's another year. Time does fly by faster when you get older. Which is a funny thought because 25 is not that old. Last night Bill & I went to a small party at a friends loft downtown. It was fun, lots of poker playing, eatting & laughing at the dog someone brought along. A lot of people made the "I'm getting so old" comment. We were all about the same age, however when people started arriving I did think to myself "God, we're hanging out with old people now". Bill & I were the only married couple there (that was a heated topic for some couples) & the only couple with kids (on the way). We were also very satisfied that nobody got drunk & puked everywhere or had any crazy events happen to talk about the next day. I think we use the term "old" because we have more experience.

Before we left for the party, I had finished putting our wedding album together (nesting at it's finest, considering that I've been thinking about this album for six years). That is when I started to feel "old". I look back at how young we were (19 & 21) & how we thought we knew everything. Everything has worked out for the better & we've had some increadible years together, but we were so...young & clueless. I think we still are young & clueless, but we have a little bit more under our belts now. I think about when Logan is older, like 19 or 20 & how old I'll feel then. Sometimes I don't even want to think about it.

This is the year that we turn to a new chapter in our lives. Our first child & the adventures of starting a family. It's going to be a busy year & I'm sure we're going to learn more than we ever thought. This is going to be one of those times where I look back & think "we were so...young & clueless".