Today was my 6 week postnatal check up.
This marks the end of the final chapter of my pregnancy. Logan & I have completely healed from the trauma of birth. Now we move forward into experiencing life as a new family with an infant. It's kind of a sad day. This has been one of the most challenging & amazing experiences of my life. I'm in constant awe that we have been able to create another life.

The very beginning started May 8, 2005. Bill had been away for a week at a convention in Hollywood. While he was gone, I read an article on ovulation. I came across this article by chance, as I wasn't researching fertility & family planning at all. We had talked about starting a family for a while & at this time in my life, I felt ready. The article gave me the information to figure out when I would be ovulating. Oddly enough, the night Bill came back was when I would be ready to try & get pregnant. The funny thing about this is, that night was the first night we had ever "tried". We never tried like most couples, counting the days on the calendar, taking temperatures, treating the situation more like a task. It only took that one night for us. Not only did we feel ready, but God or the universe felt we were ready too. This baby was supposed to happen.

I didn't know that I was pregnant at the time, but looking back at how I felt, it was very clear. I had never been so tired & moody in all of my life. I thought that I had hit burn out at work, something that almost everyone had warned me about because of the way I was running my schedule. I was booked from 6 am to 9 pm everyday of the week, then there was a half day on Saturday, totally booked too. I worked out for 2 or 3 hours on those days as well. I had just taken on the position of Assistant Fitness Manager the month before & I thought that the added responsibility was killing me. The thought of napping had always been a nice idea in the back of my head, but I couldn't survive without them that month. I felt something was going on when I would rather take a nap than workout. With the hormone changes, I thought I was going crazy. I really went into a deep depression. I kept telling everyone at the gym, "Either I'm crazy or I'm pregnant. I hope it's the latter". It really was starting to worry me. If I wasn't married to such an understanding relaxed guy like Bill, I'm sure separation or divorce would've been other couples answer to this craziness.

Everyone at the gym kept telling me that I was pregnant. What did they know?! I wasn't even late yet! I was supposed to start menstruating memorial day weekend. Nothing happened Saturday, nothing Sunday, nothing Monday. Now I was late. Something was up. I was never late. Monday night at 10 pm, I turned to Bill & said, "I think we need to go to the store to get a test". So we went out & got a digital EPT test. We came home & I just looked at the box on the coffee table for about 2 hours. I didn't know what to think. I finally decided to take the test at midnight. The directions on the box indicated that it would take 3 to 5 minutes to process the results. By the time I flushed the toilet, the results were in. It took 15 seconds. I was very pregnant. I walked out into the living room shaking like a leaf in the wind. "The test says I'm pregnant", I told Bill with my hands over my mouth. He smiled & held out his arms as I collapsed into them a nervous wreck. He held me as a hurricane of thoughts spun around in my head. Bill kept telling me that everything would be great , we had each other & we would make a good family. It took a little bit of time to calm my fears from my own family & childhood experiences. By far my biggest fear was turning out like my mom. Bill assured me that I wouldn't. Once I had calmed down, we sat there holding one another, just cuddling. We looked at each other & I said, "We are officially adults now. Our lives have changed forever". Boy was that ever true.

The month of June was interesting. My body had been changing with smells, tastes & food cravings. It was very challenging with the beginnings of what I thought was morning sickness. My tastes & cravings started very early in the pregnancy. In the 4 th week I could eat almost everything. I felt like a bottomless pit. I was eating carrots like they were the last food on the face of the earth. That didn't last very long though. It seemed like each week changed from the next. The 5 th week was strange because I was eating cheese & drinking milk when I had been lactose intolerant before. I was also eating more fruit than I ever had in my entire life. In the 6 th week I was eating less. I could barely eat dinner or even drink water. I couldn't eat anything sweet or sugary like cheesecake. I used to love cheesecake & now it tasted like pure sugar & it was just disgusting. The other major change was becoming completely vegetarian. I used to eat meat daily. Turkey sandwiches, chicken breasts at dinner...never a problem. However, just the thought of meat made me sick. Which brings me to the 7 th week, where I couldn't eat anything & "morning sickness" really took over.

"Morning sickness" started early & gradually. I was getting sick before I even knew I was pregnant. I started getting sick in the evenings around 8 pm. After a while of trying to tough it out, I cancelled all of my 8 pm clients. When Bill came to pick me up, I was running out with my hands covering my mouth, gagging & dry heaving on the way home. Thank God it was only a few short minutes. Bill would drop me off at the stairwell & I would sprint up the stairs, run down the hall & into our apartment, throwing the door open & barely making it to the bathroom. It felt like I had the flu for weeks. Soon I was starting to feel sick earlier in the day, starting around 4 pm & I was becoming debilitated by 8 pm. I was throwing up at work in between clients & then throwing up in the morning after breakfast. Soon I was throwing up all of the time. In my 7 th week I felt like I was going to die. I couldn't keep food down for a few days. Even the smallest sip of water made me sick. I was literaly starving & dehydrated. I went to the Doctor to get some medication. When the nurse checked me in & got me on the scale I was very worried. I had lost 5 lbs. in a week or less. When the Doctor came in, he assured me that the weight loss was ok & normal for morning sickness. The baby would be fine. He perscribed a phenegran suppository because I couldn't eat anything. I went home & tried the medication. It was the worst experience of my life. Not only was I nauseous, achy & weak, but now my rear end felt like it ws on fire. I couldn't do it again. The next day I went back & was perscribed Reglan. That worked for only a few short days.

Each week went by & I started canceling out most of my clients during the day. I would work for a few hours in the morning, throw up, go home & sleep, eat, throw up & sleep some more. I stopped working out. Not only did I feel like total crap, but I still continued to loose weight. in my 9 th week I went in for my first prenatal exam. I had been really sick for 2 days prior. On the scale, I lost another 4 lbs. Now it was a total of 10 lbs lost. I'm still really thankful that I was in the best shape of my life before getting pregnant. I don't know what the outcome would've been if I hadn't. At the appointment I asked for a stronger medication. They wouldn't give it to me. They really didn't seem the least bit concerned that I was so sick & loosing so much weight. Part of that appointment was getting an ultrasound of the baby. That was a really exciting moment for us. It made the pregnancy that much more real. It was surreal watching "it" up on the screen bouncing around. I was very surprised that it looked so developed. It looked like a stubby baby. To see it move & be alive was amazing & I was really emotional. If the nurse hadn't been there, I would've cried for a long time. It was really hard to hold back.

During the 11 th week I ended up in the Doctors office to get re-hydrated by IV. Morning sickness took a turn for the worse (like it couldn't get any worse) & I still couldn't keep anything down. The nurse checked me in & got me on the scale again. I was 117 lbs. I had NEVER weighed that little in my adult life. I broke down into tears again. Bill had mentioned that my clothes were hanging off of me & you could see my spine & other bones sticking out. I certainly didn't feel healthy & here I was trying to carry a baby. They started the IV & added phenegran (the medication that didn't work the 1st time) to the second bag. I think I had an allergic reaction to it because I felt like I was in space. Once the bag was empty a nurse came in & asked me some questions. I was slow to answer & my speech was slurred. She said that I was worse than when I came in. They wrapped me up in blankets & wheeled me down to urgent care. My blood pressure dropped down to 80/72. They hooked me up to a third bag & added a different medication, zofran. When the Doctor came in to check on me, I had been there for 5 hours. He told me that I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I thought that was the technical term for morning sickness. I didn't find out that it was an actual pregnancy complication until much later. He mentioned that if they couldn't get me better in the next hour, they would have to admit me to the hospital for a 24 hour watch. Fortunately I got a little bit better.

The following 4 weeks were tough. I went into another deep depression. The new medication was helping, but I still felt gross & I was sick & tired of being on the couch all day long. I would just lay there & cry. It was such a drastic change from the activity level I used to have. I started to feel indirect pressure from upper management at work & Bill started stressing me out about finances & my limitations. Finally I had enough. I had the "screw it" mentality. I would go back to working 10-12 hours a day. If I got sick, oh well. So during the 16 th week I went back full force. I got my schedule booked back up & started working out again. It was tough, but I was in denial about how sick I really was.

I stayed on zofran for the entire pregnancy. It's mostly used as a medication for cancer patients while they are on chemo to help with the nausea. I could honestly say I knew what it felt like to have cancer, minus the pain. I started to get my appetite back & ate whatever I wanted. Because I lost 15 lbs in the first trimester, I really didn't care if all I ate was junk. At least I could eat. Taco Bell was my best friend for a while. I lived on 7 layer burritos. In the 17 th week we went to a reggae concert at Red Rocks (but got rained out). I hung in there ok. I was also getting accupuncture treatments at my chiropractors office to help with everything. During one of my visits that week I swore I felt the baby kick for the first time. I knew in my heart that it was, but I was still a little unsure until it happened again the next day. I told Bill & he was so excited. I had a very active baby because it proceeded to kick me often throughout the day. I felt like it was learning karate & break dancing in there. That proved to be true when the Doctor had to chase the baby around to listen to the heart beat at the next appointment. It felt good to know that it was doing alright after the hell we went through in the last weeks. When I was sick, people would say, "That's a good sign! It means the baby is healthy!" I would always say that "This baby better be an olympic athlete with how sick I am". Now with the kicking all of the time, I was thinking it was an olympic soccer player.

At 20 weeks I had another ultrasound. In this one we were able to find out if we were having a girl or a boy. I had been having dreams of a girl, but Bill was persistent that it was a boy. Bill was right & it was pretty obvious. It was funny that we've had his name picked out for years, even before we started to even think about having a family. Trying to agree on a girls name seemed like mission impossible. I should've known it was a boy. In the following weeks I started to relapse again. I ended up going on an early maternity leave. That really helped. I never got sick again after that (but still continued the medication up until his birth).

The third trimester seemed to drag on forever, but fly by at the same time. We took all of our prenatal classes & did a tour of the hospital. I was starting to get really uncomfortable. I was getting bigger & it was a little difficult to watch myself get fat & there was nothing I could do about it. I was getting terrible heart burn & restless leg syndrome. I had pain in my sternum from getting kicked & stretched. Sometimes I felt like I had been abducted by aliens. Speaking of kicking, since Logan was getting bigger, he packed a little more punch. Litteraly. Sometimes so much that I would gasp & jump. It was pretty funny for Bill to try & feel him move. He would put his hand on my stomach & wait & wait, but nothing ever happened.

Logan's birth will be one of the ultimate highlights of my life. Even though it was nothing like I had planned, I couldn't have asked for a better birthing experience. I was lucky enough to have been able to bond instantly with him. We got the hang of breast feeding right away. All of the pain & suffering I had gone through in the beginning was worth it. Our recovery was really easy. Six weeks later I think back on these last ten months. I will never forget how I felt with HG, but I have already forgotten the pain of contractions & labor. I remember the events, but not the feeling. It seems that the amnesia has set in. I'm thankful that I've been able to record all of these events, otherwise it would have all become a faded memory as I fill my brain with the new experiences of being a first time stay at home mom.

It's time to celebrate! The stump came off this morning!
For a while there I was beginning to think that I would have the only 16 year old that still had his umbilical stump. When we were instructed as to how to care & clean it at the hospital, we were told to use rubbing alcohol at every diaper change. Lift it up, move it around & try to clean underneath. There was to be no real bathing, only sponge baths until it came off.

So I followed the instructions diligently & waited patiently to give him a real bath. We expect to see it come off in 7 to 10 days. Time goes by & all of the other babies that are born shortly after Logan are ALL loosing their stumps. Logan will be six weeks old this week. I start to wonder if something is going on. It looks fine. It's not infected & it doesn't smell funny either. Hmmm. Time for some internet searching.

Well, after some research, I find out that many people have been instructed to do just the opposite of what we were doing. Some Doctors have said to only clean it 3 times a day, max. Some others have said not to even use rubbing alcohol because it may actually preserve the stump (well, I guess that one make sense in our case). Bill talked to the NICU nurse from our hospital during her work out. She thought it was strange that it was still there too. She told us to go ahead & give Logan a real bath & that should help.

So in the last few days I only cleaned the stump 2 or 3 times a day. Then yesterday Logan had his first real bath. He loved it. He usually doesn't smile during the sponge bath. He just has this really serious look on his face. He's quiet, looks cold, but just looks at me. During the real bath he was all smiles. Big ones too. I think it felt a little strange to him because he made a huge mess. There was water all over the bathroom countertops & floor from him flailing his arms & kicking his legs. He's a water baby just like his mom. I can't wait to go swimming with him this summer. It's going to be a blast!

We wake up this morning & I take him upstairs in his room to get changed. I unbutton the onesie & notice some gunk by the snaps. I look down & see his belly button. The stump is gone & it looks like he may have an outie. Finally. I was starting to wonder if I should call the Doctor. Now we don't have to worry about Logan getting teased in the locker room at school because he still has his umbilical stump.

I love you

Author Unknown



I loved you from the very start,
You stole my breath, embraced my heart.
Our life together has just begun,
You're part of me my little one.

As mother with child, each day I grew,
My mind was filled with thoughts of you.

I'd daydream of the things we'd share,
Like late night bottles & teddy bears.
Like first steps & skinned knees,
Like bedtime stories & ABC's.

I thought of things you'd want to know,
Like how birds fly & flowers grow.
I thought of lessons I'd need to share,
Like standing tall & playing fair.

Each night I lay you down to sleep,
I gently kiss your head & cheek.
I count your little fingers & toes,
I memorize your eyes & nose.

I linger at your nursery door,
Awed each day I love you more.
Through misty eyes, I dim the light,
I whisper "I Love You" every night.

I loved you from the very start,
You stole my breath, embraced my heart.
As mother & child our journey's begun,
My heart's yours forever little one.

I came across this poem when I did a search for scrap booking. Of course it made me cry & it pretty much sums up the last 5 weeks. I guess I'm a sucker for poems.

Well, haven't we been productive in the last couple of days!
Each day is another step towards accomplishments & better organization. The chaos of birth & bringing home a newborn is slowly wearing off. It took almost 6 weeks, but hey, it's happening. We mailed off the birth announcements, various congratulatory birth, Thank You & birthday cards yesterday. The birth announcements were a big deal. Bill designed them at home & made arrangements for a printer he knows to print them out for us. He was doing it for free. Well, you get what you pay for. Bill brought home 50 of the worst quality cards I've ever seen. Our photo printer at home does a better job. So that's what we ended up doing. The size of the card doesn't fit the envelope that I ordered, but oh well. They got mailed.

Having a baby has undoubtedly been helping me to become a better person. Not that I am a horrible person, but nobody is perfect. I've had ample time to reflect on my strengths & weaknesses & realize what I need to work on. These are aspects of my personality that I had accepted & really didn't feel the need to change. I was functioning just fine the way I was. Becoming a parent changes my perspective though. I am going to end up being an example to Logan & it's very true that parents want their children to become better people than they are.

I've already discovered the patience & frustration issue, which I now realize is an example & trait passed down from my mom. That is downright scary, because my mom is psycho. She really had no business being a mom. Becoming like my mother was one of my biggest fears when the pregnancy test came back positive. Fortunately I have the ability to understand & control this so it doesn't happen. Plus, the added bonus is that I'm not psycho. Then there is the trait that has been passed down from my dad.

There is a depression gene & an anti-social gene on that side of the family. I'm fortunate enough to have escaped the depression, but I have the anti-social gene to some extent. It's not as bad as my uncle, who has it to the extreme & has been a hermit for as long as I can remember. There is a lot that I don't know & understand about him because it was never talked about & he rarely came up from the basement in my grandparents house where he lives. He would come out to do the yard work & was kind enough to do the neighbors yards as well. The few times he surfaced while we were there, he played with us though & it was fun. I remember us roughhousing & jumping on the bed in my grandmas bedroom & breaking the bed. We all thought it was pretty funny.

It affected my dad in the way that it is easy for him to disconnect from everything. There's a lot of other stuff going on with him, but it seemed easy for him to abandon his children & the rest of the family. He has come & gone at certain times in my life & it's been 7 years since we've talked. A lot of that has to do with me not wanting to give it another chance though. I did decide to send him an announcement along with a note, so we'll see what becomes of it. This is a huge step for me. Trust & forgiveness are not my strengths (no thanks to many events in my growing up), but I have decided that they need to be for Logan's sake.

So how has my growing up & all of this mental crap affected me? Oddly, not so much. I've never needed extensive therapy or any medication (why, I can't say. Most people in my shoes do). I have always had friends, still keep in touch with the very close ones & I was popular with the kids that I went to church with (because I was a brat & didn't want to hang out with the kids that weren't LDS). I also have an outgoing personality that helped me in my careers. Overall, I consider myself to be a successful, stable, functioning & upstanding member of society. However, it has been easy for me to disconnect from my family & resist really any family relationships with the exception of Bill & Logan. I'm also pretty picky about who I'm friends with (not because of religion anymore though). Honestly, I would be quite content in my own little world with just the 3 of us. But really, how healthy is that. At least I realize this.

Thus in my "growing up" & wanting to be the best example I can be, I'm learning to become more patient, less frustrated, trusting, forgiving & by the time he's ready to go to play groups, I'll be more accepting of others so he'll have a lot of friends to play with. I'm sure he'll have his own issues & demons to deal with, we all do & that's reality. But I hope Logan grows up to be like Bill & myself, only better.

Is this the same child?

5 weeks old

4 weeks old

3 weeks old

2 weeks old

1 week old

3 days old

It's amazing how babies are constantly growing & changing before our eyes. I'm glad that we are typical picture happy parents so we can document his metamorphosis (& prove that this is the same baby that we brought home). It's unbelievable how fast this is happening.

When he was cluster feeding we said, "Hmmm, he must be going through a growth spurt". Yesterday he was "coma child" & slept pretty much all day. It was nice because I got a break & was able to get a lot of things done. I wasted a lot of time & appreciated the day of silence. On the flip side, it was kind of sad. I really missed holding & talking to him. Meanwhile I was saying, "Hmmm, he must be going through a growth spurt". How many growth spurts is this kid going to go through? I laughed at the idea thinking that "growth spurts" were the answer to everything. After reviewing these pictures, I shouldn't laugh. It's a fact.

Thank heaven for baby accessories!
This past weekend we did our usual shopping & ended up walking out with some stuff for Logan (How could we not? The little squirt is too cute to not spoil). We bought him a mobile for the crib & a bouncy seat that's just a hair more portable than the huge swing that's up in the loft.

These have been lifesavers! I have been able to put him down in his seat & put him right next to the shower. I'm back to my 30 + minute showers again! He loves it too. I flip the switch to vibrate & he is instantly quiet, just looking around. This seat also helps to work the gas out of him. Needless to say, he hasn't been that fussy the last couple of days (I hope I didn't just jinx myself).

He really likes his mobile too. I tried putting him to sleep in his crib, which is upstairs & next to the loft. He would usually last 5 or 10 minutes & then cry for me to take him out. I would end up putting him in his swing to nap (which works like a charm). So now after every diaper change, I put him in his crib & turn on the mobile. He is just fascinated. He'll hang out in there for a little while & be entertained. Yes, entertained! By something other than me! This morning I put him in there & hoped that he would fall asleep...miracle of all miracles, he did. On his own. I think I might pass out from excitement. So now I'm going to try & transition him from the bassinet in our room to his crib in his room. I think it will work out pretty well (I hope).

Bill's mom also bought us a Baby Bjorn. We had another carrier that we returned because it just sucked. So she mailed the new carrier to us & we got it tonight. I got him strapped in & tested it out around the house. It's awesome. I love it & Logan does too. He is just so freakin cute with his little arms & legs sticking out. It's funny that I'm so excited about this carrier because now I have no excuses to not do housework (sigh).

Wow, it's been 5 weeks already!
The advice that new parents hear all of the time is, "Enjoy your time with your children, because they grow up so fast & will be gone before you know it". It's true. Time flies by so quickly I sometimes feel like I've slipped into a black hole or something.

Being a mom is nothing what I expected it to be like. I don't even know what I was really expecting anyway (probably a very quiet baby that never fussed), but it wasn't this. I'm not disappointed by any means, I think I just had an idealized image of what a mom is & does. I didn't think it was this much work & that it took this much energy & patience. I mean, really, I worked out forever to strive for high endurance & to feel like the Energizer Bunny. I'm not sure if it helped. I have to give props to all of the single moms & working moms & especially if they have multiple children. I have no idea where they find the time & the energy to do it all. I am so lucky to be able to stay at home.

I'm a very passionate person when it comes to my careers. My life totally revolves around whatever I'm doing & I'm 100% focused on striving for success. When I was getting ready to go to chiropractic school, all I could think about was the practice I was going to open after I graduated. I had plans to build the ultimate wellness center & become one of the best Doctors in the state. Then life had us take a different route. So then I shrugged my shoulders & put all of my effort into becoming a great personal trainer. I built an amazing business (3 times in 3 different states) & I was the best trainer in the gym & really, one of the best in the company. Now I'm involved in my new career as a mom & I have no clue how to run this "business".

I never had a great example to live by (I just know what NOT to do), so I feel like I'm making it up as I go along. Sometimes I'm not very patient (a HUGE weakness of mine) & I get frustrated. This really is the most difficult job in the world & I've only just started. As a perfectionist, I'm wondering if I'm going in the right direction & doing what I'm supposed to. There isn't a stay at home mom business plan & I've had no formal training to get me ready. It's almost like I'm a brain surgeon who hasn't gone to medical school. Pretty damn scary if you ask me.

I look at Logan in his swing sleeping soundly & wonder if he's happy & if he loves me, or if I've already ruined everything. When he's crying, I have to take a deep breath & hope that I can muster up the sanity to stay calm. It's a little unnerving to think that I'm raising this little person to be a functioning member of society, happy, social, well rounded & hopefully everything that I'm not. I think I'm often in denial about my fears & insecurities.

All I can do is follow my heart & go with my gut. I have to forget about being "the perfect mom" because there is no such thing. I'm only human. I also have to trust that Bill won't let me screw things up. He has been my knight in shinning armor, my back up man & the person who keeps me grounded. I know he won't let me permanently scar Logan for life.

Even though I'm sleep deprived & often grumpy as a result, my perspective has changed...for the better.
Logan is a pretty good baby. He has his fussy times, but really, who doesn't? I am extremley thankful that he is a healthy baby & everything about us is text book normal. Shortly after we discovered that I was pregnant, Bill's sister found out that she was too. We were about 4 weeks apart. A few days after she found out about her pregnancy, one of her really close friends found out that they had conceived as well. So back in June, it was the 3 of us excited to have our babies at the same time. 9 weeks into Bill's sister's pregnancy, she miscarried & needed to get a D&C. It was a difficult time. We were sad for her & also sad for Logan. We thought it would be really cool to have a cousin the same age to play with. She tried again & miscarried after a few weeks again. She is now into her 7 th week in her third pregnancy & things seem to be going well so far.

Bill's sister's friend was induced to have her baby this weekend. Nobody had heard from her. Yesterday we got phone calls from Bill's mom & his sister. They were pretty upset. The baby was born with a birth defect. One of every mothers worst fears. At first we were told in the first call that the baby was missing an ear. Bill & I looked at each other & said "Well, that's not too bad, it could've been a lot worse". Yeah, he's not the perfect little baby that we were expecting, but they can do great things with plastic surgery these days. Then we found out more information in the second call. He was born with Goldenhar Syndrome. Not only was he missing an ear & has no hearing on that side, but he has a facial deformity as well. Now, that is upsetting. This little baby will need many surgeries in his life. They will be able to start at 3 years old. How terrifying for a family, to have their little baby go into the hospital so many times in his few short years of life. I can't even imagine. We don't know the severity of the deformity, but it's not sounding very good. It was mentioned that they would use part of his ribs to reconstruct the one side of his jaw.

I know this baby was meant to be with this family. They are very good people & the mother is a special education teacher. She knows her stuff & is very capable of taking very good care of her new little son. It's just sad. I'm so thankful that we are healthy & happy. This is something that I'm going to think about every morning when Logan is up at 3 am, screaming at the top of his lungs. "Yes, you are up & I'm very tired, but we are healthy".

It's competition time!
I know I said that I wasn't going to get all wrapped up in getting back into shape, but now it's on. I'm striking while the iron is hot. There is a fitness competition going on between Bill & another trainer that he works with at the gym. The stats are exactly the same for the two of them. Bill is so pumped up it's crazy. I haven't seen him like this for a long time. They have both put in $100 & I guess the rest of the staff is going to put in some cash as a bonus. This is great. At the minimum there's $200 to gain (along with being in better shape). It's ending may 31 st.

So, Bill is all into eating better & working out again. I'm so happy. Things were getting a little out of control for a while there. The pregnancy didn't help much either. I think he gained more pregnancy weight than I did. I didn't say anything because I don't want to be that kind of wife. I married him as a big guy anyway. I'm more concerned about the health risks if he doesn't do it, like his sleep apnea getting worse. This is a great time for us to get back into shape together.

Bill used to be my poster boy for training. Back in Vegas we had some bad habits. I would drink home made mudslides with real ice cream with our neighbors...often. This was Vegas & we lived in an apartment complex with a lot of young people & a really nice pool. Many mudslides & multiple pints of Ben & Jerry's later, I remember looking at my butt in the mirror & freaking out. This was in the beginning of the year & I told myself that I had to be bikini ready for the summer. So, I hopped to it. I changed my nutrition & started working out. I lost 30 lbs in 2 months. Bill was impressed (aka: probably freaked out because his wife was now in good shape & going to hang out at the pool) & he decided to do the same. I helped him with nutrition & we made the fitness commitment together. In the course of the year he went from 270-ish to 170-ish. His before & after pictures helped me sell a whole lot of trainning sessions. They also helped him sell more memberships too. We made a great team.

That was the last time I saw him motivated to get into shape. He's made half assed attempts in the last year, but he never stuck to it. I asked him what's his motivation now, "It's time to get my butt into shape & because 90% of my clothes don't fit. I'm tired of wearing the same thing all of the time because it's the only thing that fits & I don't want to buy the next size up". That's music to a trainers ears. Real motivation.

He has been doing great this last week. He has been diligent in his work outs & stuck to better nutrition, even with many temptations at work. He told me that everyone at the gym is betting on the trainer winning the competition. They don't think Bill can do it. Boy, are they wrong. First, when it comes to competition, Bill is a maniac. He is one of the most competitive people I know (next to me). Then, I think everyone at the gym forgot that he's married to the nutrition nazi. As long as he keeps working out & eats what I plan out for him, it's in the bag.

So, here I am putting my trainer hat back on. I'm going to get a few meal plans together for us. We took our RMR tests this morning & he's taking another test at the gym to determine his macro nutrient combinations. With that info I'll make him my secret "6 pack ab plan" that I developed in Portland. When I tested this out on me, I lost 6 lbs in 3 days...the right way. It was nuts. I had a lot of clients get awesome results with it too. Bill's sister even lost 5 lbs in a few days as well. Last night we were talking about what he would do with the $200 when he wins. He laughed & said that he's going to buy a ton of sleeveless muscle shirts. A shopping spree for him sounds good to me!

Nothing grosses me out anymore.
I think I have reached "Super-Mom" status, maybe. I am so used to bodily functions & the pregnancy probably had a lot to do with that.

The body goes through so many changes during pregnancy & not just the obvious, like bigger hips & expanding stomach. The whole gastrointestinal tract gets re-arranged. There's dealing with nausea & throwing up all of the time in the first trimester. There's constipation & hemroids & things not working quite the same down there in the second trimester. Then there's heart burn & everything else combined in the third trimester. During delivery, there's the birth mess itself. Water breaking, bleeding, more throwing up. I'm pretty sure that covers it.

Now there's baby. Explosive poop & it leaking out of diapers. When there's a boy to deal with, count on the "hose effect". I've learned to be quick with the diaper changes & have never been squirted on (with the exception of bath time). Bill on the other hand seems to get as wet as Logan every time (funny, because as a man, he should be in tune with this). I've had to deal with volumes of spit up coming out of a small baby. Spit up coming out of the nose. Now there are baby boogers to go along with that. That's where I think I've reached the "Super-Mom" status.

I have picked Logan's nose & his boogers don't bother me. I don't get sick when he throws up all over me. I clear the goop from his eyes with my fingers. His poop doesn't stink. I don't cringe with disgust if his diaper has leaked & I'm holding him with my hand in his pee. I have done the ultimate mom move & licked my finger to wipe off dried milk from his face. I've cleaned the ugly umbilical stump (which Logan STILL has & is not giving it up, no matter how much I drench it in rubbing alcohol) & I've cleaned the healing circumcision (Bill wouldn't even look at it). I've never thought twice about doing any of these things. Nothing is gross anymore, it just is what it is.

He is his fathers son.
Logan is so much like Bill it's scary. Not only did we create a "mini me" for him in looks, but in mannerisims as well. It's kind of strange to have a clone in the house.

I know all babies have the startle reflex. You keep them swaddled up tight so they don't wake themselves up at night. Well, Bill still has this reflex. He doesn't wake up & maybe at this age they call it something else, but he has always been "active" in his sleep. Logan has always been a kicker, ever since I could feel him at 17 weeks. I used to call him my Olympic soccer player/martial artist. He would beat the crap out of me on a daily basis. I look at him now & recognize every motion that he makes thinking, "I remember you doing that to me at 2 am"! Now I watch the two of them together at night, moving & kicking away, almost in unison. It's a father & son synchronized sleeping dance. Sometimes I wonder if they share the same brain.

Not only do they move alike when they are sleeping, but they sound alike too. Bill has this annoying habit of moaning in his sleep. It gets worse if he's stressed out. Sometimes it's so bad I have to elbow him in the back to get him to stop. Earlier this week, I noticed Logan doing the same thing. I kept asking myself, "Is this normal baby stuff, or did Logan pick up Bill's moaning too"? He moans, grunts, cries & laughs in his sleep. Actually, it's pretty cute, but now I get the moaning in surround sound. It's going to be interesting to watch Logan grow up. I wonder how much is he going to be like Bill?

Logan is 4 weeks old today.
I don't know where the time went. Bill & I were talking about this the other day. It's been a crazy time in our lives. On one hand, it seems like it was just yesterday that we were at our friends house for the New Years Eve party & I was still pregnant. On the other hand, it feels like these last 4 weeks have been 4 years.

Logan seems so different that the little baby that we brought home at the beginning of the month. He has certainly gotten bigger. He now fits most if not all of his newborn clothes. He seems to be smiling more & he lets Bill hold him at the end of the night without having a total melt down (Thank God). He is moving his head a lot more & holding it up for longer periods of time as well. I think it might be time to start "tummy time". Not only are his legs stretched out, but last night I think he has started to discover his arms. He's stretching them out, almost like he's reaching for things & his grip is stronger too.

It's amazing what 4 weeks can do to a person. I've never been busier, happier, more tired & selfless in all of my life. Motherhood is a 24 hour job. There are no breaks, even when Logan is sleeping. I'm still checking on him to make sure he's ok, or listening with super mother hearing while I'm in the shower. To an extent, I've changed as a person. I've discovered strengths & also many weaknesses. I've developed dark circles under my eyes & I've lost more hair than I thought humanly possible. I think the next step is wrinkles & going gray.

He is still morphing into Mr. Fussy Fuss at times (I can't wait for this to end). It seems as though most of my day consists of feeding him, changing him & keeping him from crying. Often at the end of the night, I think back to what I did during the day. The house is still a mess, there are dirty dishes in the sink & the laundry needs to be done. "What on earth did I do for 12 hours? Oh, yeah, I was holding Logan the whole time". I would much rather be doing that than housework any day.

I have re-discovered the secret to keeping my sanity.
I've used this as a stress reliever for years. Why it's importance has taken a seat on the back burner, I can't say. However, right now it's so important, it's right up there with sleeping & eating. The daily shower.

It's so easy as a new mom to forget about all of the things I need to do to take care of myself, like eat, sleep & shower. It's strange because these are basic things. Like breathing. Before Logan, you would never catch me outside of the house, even in the driveway, without having had a shower. Now, there have been times where I haven't had one in 3 days. Gross, I know. But Mr. Fussy Fuss has been taking up quite a bit of my time.

I love the shower so much, I am a self proclaimed shower hog. It's been that way most of my life. So much, that my family knows that if they want a hot shower, they better get it done before I go in. Otherwise, it will be a quick cold one for them. I remember constantly getting yelled at as a kid to get out of the shower, when it seemed as though I was only in there for a few minutes. I was in there for an hour. When Bill & I bought our house, I was all about upgrades in the bathroom. I wanted it to look like a spa. Other than not being able to add jets to the tub (we passed the add on date), it really does feel like a spa. After the construction was complete & we signed our closing papers, I remember standing in the master bath with Bill, crying & crying. I was so happy that we had a beautiful house & a wonderful shower. I kept thanking him for all of his hard work & long hours so that we could have a house like this. The shower is by far my favorite place in the house.

The shower is my escape from life. A place where I'm alone in my thoughts (I actually do my best thinking in there). A place where the moist heat relaxes every muscle in my body. A place where my stress runs down the drain with the peppermint shampoo. Since my re-discovery, I've tried to make it more of a priority. I've noticed that the nightly fussy times are much easier & I'm a little more sane if I've had a shower that day. To get one in during the day is a trick though.

After I had fed, changed & rocked Logan to sleep one evening, I thought that I might have enough time to slip away into my peppermint bliss before Bill got home from work. Logan was asleep in the bassinet in our bedroom & I figured that if he woke up, the sound of the running water might put him back to sleep. Just as I put a glob of shampoo on my head, he woke up. He didn't go back to sleep either. As he cried a blood piercing scream, I hurried as fast as I could to get clean & get out. Forget about shaving that day. I might as well become a hippy on that note. I got out & dried off, picked him up, only to notice baby tears streaming down his face. This was the first time I had seen tears from him. He was so upset that I left him. I figured that I would never be able to shower during the day again.

Now it's become a balancing act of priorities. Sleep in or shower? Yesterday morning I showered after I fed Logan & put him back down to sleep. It was about 6:30 or 7:00. I took a long relaxing break in there, after having been up every 2 hours to feed him that night. I even had time to fold laundry afterward. I was dead tired though. Relaxed, but still exhausted. And as the days go on & Logan becomes more aware & awake, naps are becoming more of a rarity. There are other things that I need to do though, like shower.

R.I.P

Beck

April 20, 1999 - February 24, 2006

Beck died this afternoon. We had construction workers over at the house today doing our six month walk through. While they were fixing various things, I had the dogs in the garage so they would be out of the way. A few times in between workers, I let them back in. Well, I went to let them in after the carpenter left & only Buddha came in. Beck was laying on the floor, not moving, not breathing. He got into the dog food & had another seizure. I'm not sure if it was the seizure that took him or choking on the food during the seizure. But, he's no longer with us.

I called Bill & told him to come home. Beck was dead. I tried to stay as calm as I could, as I was still holding Logan & I didn't want to make him cry too. Plus we still had people working on different things in the house. It seemed to take forever for Bill to get home. I saw him pull into the driveway & went to meet him outside. "He's definitely dead", I cried. Bill hugged me & we walked in the house. He opened the garage door & it broke his heart. I don't think I've seen him so hurt before. Beck is the first dog that he has ever lost. Our dogs were like kids to us before we had Logan. We cried together for a while.

Bill dug a hole in the back yard & we wrapped him up in a sheet with his leash & harness. That action really made me upset. We were both sobbing as he put him into the ground. We said a few words of remembrance & laid him to rest. He has a large stone for a marker & I think I'll plant something there this spring. Even though he was a quiet dog, the house seems very still. Too still.

We first saw our little beagle while we were living in Vegas. It was independence day weekend & we decided that Buddha needed a brother because we were gone for so long during the day. We stopped by a pet shop that was close to our home. When I saw him I wanted him right away. We asked if we could let him out of his cage. He proceeded to run around the place causing all sorts of havoc. There was a pen of poodles in the middle of the store & Beck would try to pull them out through the small chain links by their fur. It was pretty funny. We knew that we were going to take this little hell raiser home.

It took a little while for Beck & Buddha to get used to each other, but when they clicked, they were brothers for life. They were like peanut butter & jelly, never going anywhere without the other. They would cuddle & run around & embarrassed us with "dog shows" when we had company over. He was a cute puppy too. He had big paws & floppy ears that he would chew on. He tried to get out of the kitchen (where we put up a baby gate too keep them in) almost every night. We kept him busy with a dog puzzle. It was a cube that we would put a treat in & he would roll it around the house trying to get the treat out. He was pretty smart with that toy. We lovingly called him "Speckabeck".


We moved to Portland & rented a house with a yard. We knew that Beck would love it seeing as though we were coming from a small apartment. We soon discovered that Beck was a little escape artist. One day at work, Bill got a call from some guy telling him that he had Beck. Beck was walking onto the free way & this guy rescued him (also feeding him pizza). It took a couple of escapes & rescues by our neighbors for us to keep him chained up. He really didn't mind that at all, as long as he could still be outside.


We moved to Colorado & we were excited that we had our very own back yard to build them a dog house. We were planning on doing that this spring when we do the landscaping. Even though our yard wasn't completely fenced in, we still let the dogs out. There were times that it was a bitter 12 degrees out, but Beck would still be out there sniffing around with his beagle nose. We could count on him coming back, because we had food & treats.

We saw a gradual increase in his seizures, but there was nothing that could be done about them. Medications didn't work that well & they had side effects that seemed worse than just the seizures. We knew that he would probably pass from this disease, but not so soon. He was a good & happy dog. Even though I had lost my patience with him during my pregnancy. He wasn't as bad as I made him out to be.

As Bill cried this afternoon at the open grave, "Good bye little buddy".

I've read all sorts of parenting books & it doesn't matter.
Before Logan was born, I used to worry about how I was going to raise him. How was I going to feed him & get him to sleep? What could I expect to do with a newborn? What was my life going to be like with him? It came down to attachment parenting vs. parent directed feeding (aka: scheduling). Well, in my opinion, it's all crap.

In these few short weeks with Logan, I've learned that you do what works best for the family. It does take a bit of trial & error, but nothing is by "the book" of any book. I was leaning toward the parent directed feeding technique. I'm a bit of an anal personality & I like order & predictability. It made sense to have a schedule where I feed Logan at this time, change him, do this & that & then cycle that throughout the day. I knew what I was going to be doing, how to do it & I felt prepared. I didn't like the idea of attachment parenting because I was afraid of having a "clingy" baby that would have a hard time gaining his own independence. I also didn't want to be used as a pacifier & constantly be breast feeding. Co-sleeping scared me because of the increased risk of SIDS.

The bottom line is that Logan is not a programmable robot to do as I will him to do. He is his own person (even at 3 weeks old) that has his own game plan. He does have a little bit of a routine, like feeding every 1 1/2 -4 hours & getting changed afterward, but that's about it. We have a bassinet in our room, but lately he's wanted to fall asleep on me & stay there. We've slept on the futon in the loft, on the couch in the living room & now I've given into letting him sleep in our bed after he wakes up to eat in the mornings. I actually like having him in our bed at 7 am. It makes for a great way to wake up & start the day.

If I'm helping to form bad habits, I'm sure I'll pay for it later. At least I'm gaining a little bit of my sanity back. The little bit of extra sleep & a little less of Logan crying is making for better days & a happier mommy.

It was bath day again today.
Logan is starting to like bath time now. He didn't like it so much in the beginning. I think it was because he was cold & he takes after his mom in liking really warm (but not too hot) baths. I try not to give him a bath every day because the air is so dry here at this time of year. He has been a little dry himself & baby lotion isn't helping too much. I found out about this awesome baby oil by Burts Bees. It's an apricot oil that makes Logan's skin really soft & it smells so good. He gets a baby massage with it after every bath. He loves it. He just grunts & looks up at me in his hooded towel. He's really cute.

At the request of Grandma, I got him dressed in an outfit that was a gift from a teacher that she works with (whom we have never met) so I could take a picture to include with the thank you card. It was very sweet of her to think of Logan & get him this outfit. However, this may be the one & only time that he wears it. I don't know who these people are designing baby clothes. I think they get a kick out of making our kids look like clowns, or as in this picture, some kind of baby pope. Logan looks content after having a bath, getting his smell good/feel good baby massage, a clean diaper & a warm blanket. I wonder if he knows how ridiculous he looks & if he'll give me hell about it when he's older & has a sense of style (because I know he'll be the best dressed kid in the neighborhood).

Logan had his first stroller ride this afternoon.
This morning when Bill got up to go to work, he gave us a kiss good-bye & mentioned how it was really nice outside. "I don't even need a jacket at 8 am. If it's that nice now, it should be a great day for a walk". This is coming from a guy that was born & raised in North Dakota. Last week when the nation was hit with that arctic blast, it was -45 degrees there. He is also prone to wear birkenstocks & shorts in the snow. I should've thought about that before I got ready to go out.

I looked out the window & thought that it looked nice enough to go out. The sun was shinning & the snow was melting. Looks can be deceiving. After getting Logan all bundled up & put on a few layers myself, we were out the door. I was no farther than the driveway when I realized what an idiot I am. It was freezing. I decided to keep going considering that it took forever to get us both ready & we might as well just stick it out. Logan did great. Actually, all he did was sleep. He didn't make a sound. I, on the other hand, did not do so well. When it comes to being cold, I am a pure bred wimp. My fingers were too cold to move. My face was numb & my ears were burning in the cold wind.

The sun may have been shinning, but there was a bitter cold wind that pierced through my hoodie. We walked over snow that was still on the sidewalk, testing out the all terrain capabilities of our new stroller. I love it. It's a smooth ride, easy to control & hey, if we want to walk over snow drifts, we can.

We got back & as soon as I could move my fingers to call Bill, I left him a message. "I don't know what your idea of "nice" is, but it is freaking cold outside. Logan was ok, but I can't move my face. Just to let you know. Thanks. I love you".

Logan this morning as everyone is getting ready to go back home.
I can't believe that he's 3 weeks old already. He really is a good (& cute) baby.

Never separate a mother bear from her baby bear.
Unless you really want to loose an arm or a leg or worse, your head. That's one of the first things you learn when you go hiking in bear country. This is also the rule of thumb for any living thing, including people.

Bill's family has been over here this weekend again. I thought that the "crazy overprotective" feeling was going to be better. I thought, "Hmmm, time has passed. It's been a couple of weeks. I should be over this". I was wrong. It's worse. Time has passed, but that also means that the bond between us is much stronger. It makes every cell in my body explode with anxiety to see my son being taken care of by someone else when I'm being shooed off to bed, willing & able to do my mommy job. It's not that I don't trust others capabilities. It's quite the opposite. Everyone is very good with Logan & loves him very much. It's just my brain saying, "Hey, that's my job! I'm here & I can take care of him, not you".

The brain is very tricky to control when sleep deprived. There's the logical part reminding me that they are going to see Logan only a few times each year. Chill out. It's just for the weekend & soon enough, I'll be holding him again. But then there is the primal part of my brain, just like the mother bear. There is no voice, just feeling. Very intense feeling. It's such a deep & raw feeling that it surprises me.

I had finished feeding Logan when I brought him upstairs into his room to change him. He was on the changing table as I was getting the next "costume change" ready. Just as I turn around, Bill's mom had snatched him up off of the table & took him away to cuddle. The primal part of my brain wanted to scream. "Wait, you can't cuddle him! He's in a dirty diaper. I have to take care of that now!" I came out into the loft where everyone was hanging out. I was told that I should go to bed. That's when I almost completely snapped. I jolted up out of the chair & said, "Fine, I'm going to bed. Someone has to change him though". Anyone who thinks that a mom will be able to sleep when she can hear her fussy baby has another thing coming to them. It is physically impossible for me to sleep when I can hear him. I may be able to hear everyone else in muffled tones that I can ignore, but I can hear Logan as clear as a bell. Like he's sitting right outside of my bedroom door.

Bill came into the bedroom & said a few choice words to me, telling me that I was being short with everyone. I told him that when he is up every two hours, then he has every right to tell me that. Otherwise I didn't want to hear it. Short. They're lucky I was just being "short". If they only had a clue as to what was going on inside of my head. Bill later came back in to apologize for what he said & told me he knows that it's difficult. I cried telling him that he would never understand the feelings that were going on.

Sunday was much better. I had a little more sleep & we spent the day shopping. It wasn't the shopping that made the day better. It was the fact that Logan was in his car seat all afternoon & for some reason it felt a little more calm to me. Grandma bought Logan all sorts of new clothes, baby books & a rocking chair to sit in up in the loft. Grandpa bought him a stroller (which is really cool) & Aunt Ju Ju bought him a book, a cute frog rattle & long sleeved onesie.

Everyone has gone back home & Bill is at work. It's just me & the little munchkin again. It feels good. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone to death & I really appreciate all of the stuff they got for Logan & the help with dinners & laundry. It's just that family visits are so stressful now. It's ridiculous. I don't know if I'll ever get over it either. The mother bear mentality is probably going to be with me for the rest of my life.

I tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans today.
That was a mistake. I thought things were shrinking pretty quick, although I'm not even close to what I was pre-baby. I haven't had the time or the appetite to eat like I did during pregnancy & breast feeding has flattened my stomach & shrunk things down a little. I don't feel quite like the deflated balloon that I looked like right after delivery. Right. Well, I couldn't even get them past my huge hips & over my big butt. I'm only two weeks post-partum. I don't know what I was thinking. Wishful thinking I guess. I should've known better though. I can't count how many times that I told my post-pregnancy clients not to worry. "It took 9 months for your body to change. It's going to take some time to get it back". Maybe I should follow my own advice.

The changes my body has gone through are quite amazing. It still boggles my mind that I carried a small baby for so long. Other than my hips & butt getting bigger, I did get a few stretch marks, or as we like to call them, love marks. It seems that I've gotten away pretty unscathed in that department though. They don't bother me at all because it reminds me of the sacrifices that I made to have Logan here with us.

However, the thing that bothers me the most is my hunch back posture. I noticed it right after delivery. It's a little better, but not much. I swear I feel like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. In the hospital, the nurses said it was from pushing in that scrunched up position & holding Logan during breast feeding (even though I use a Boppy pillow). I really need to find the time to start pilates again & see the chiropractor as well.

As anxious as I am to get back into shape (especially before summer when Logan & I will be hanging out at the pool), I'm not going to pressure myself. I'm going to wait 2 more weeks when Logan is a month old. By then we should be pretty familiar with routines & what not. I have a feeling that It's going to be a battle to take the car & have Bill watch Logan while I get to the gym. I'm probably going to have to develop a routine at home. Thankfully I know what I'm doing & it will be easy to do.

The reign of Mr. Fussy Fuss continues.
I can handle all of the jobs of a stay at home mom...human dairy factory, laundromat owner, master diaper changer, baby spa technician specializing in baby hygiene, house maid cleaning up spit up & other bodily fluids, human rocking chair aka: baby psychologist for a shoulder to cry on & the newly discovered baby entertainer: the singing mom & DJ.

Logan has definitely inherited our appreciation for music. It's one of the few things that will automatically get him to calm down & relax. In the morning I usually feed him & then put on some classical music to burp him & hold him until he's ready for a diaper change. If he decides that the music is sufficient, he'll look around & cuddle. If Mr. Fussy Fuss has taken over, he makes me sing (or hum if there aren't any words). It's a good thing that I've had years of piano lessons & sang in many choirs for school, church & in the shower, otherwise he might have some busted ear drums.

His musical tastes change throughout the day. In the afternoon, he likes it a little bit louder & with a little bit more beat. It seems the house turns into a mini-baby rock concert. I'm glad that we live in a house because if he lived in an apartment, we would be getting major noise complaints. This must all stem from the concerts & music that Bill & I listened to while Logan was still in utero.

So, with all of these jobs to do, being a mom is physically, mentally, emotionally demanding & exhausting. I can handle everything during the day, but hit my limits at night. Usually around 11 pm when I'm so completely worn out, but Mr. Fussy Fuss decides that he's ready to go to bed at 1 or 2 am. Those last few hours are absolutely hellish. Bill gets home between 9:30 & 11 pm, depending on the day. Right when I'm starting to turn into crazy mommy. When I hand Logan off he'll start to turn into Mr. Fussy Fuss, demanding that he be held by me, his baby psychologist & human rocking chair. Bill gets frustrated that he doesn't know what to do & thinks that he needs to be fed all of the time. I'm essentially a single parent with a personal shopper/sugar daddy (except the only thing that he's buying is diapers & wipes).

Today was Logan's first Doctors appointment.
We did a pretty good job of timing his feeding & getting ready. I was even able to take a shower & put on make-up (quite the miracle these days). It was pretty cold & windy outside so I got him dressed in his cute fuzzy bear jumper. He's so cute in it, I still haven't taken him out of it & plan on keeping him in it until he gets it dirty. It's one of the few outfits that actually fits him pretty well too.

We got to the appointment on time (another miracle. I was never on time to my prenatal appointments & I only had to get myself ready). A nurse had me get him undressed & she checked him out. It was a good thing that I stocked the diaper bag well, because when she took his temperature (rectally) he made a pretty big mess, almost getting her wet. His head was 14 1/4 inches. He weighed 7 lbs 8 oz. A good weight gain, but hardly the super chunk that I thought he was turning into. He was measured at 21 inches long. So he hasn't grown heavy, but long. Everyone in Bill's family thinks that Logan is going to be a super tall guy, I'm thinking so too now. Bill guessed 6' 2'', his mom is guessing taller at 6' 4''. It will be interesting to see what happens.

The Doctor came in to do her exam. Everything checked out just fine. She recommended that Logan take a liquid vitamin supplement because he is solely breast fed. Because babies aren't outside in the sun (a good thing to reduce the risk of skin cancer), they lack the right level of vitamin D for bone development if they are breast fed. Formulas have added vitamin D. Afterward, we went down to the lab for his second PKU test. I had to hold him while the technician pricked his heel & literally milked the blood from his foot. It was not very fun, but Logan was a trooper. He cried just a little bit in the beginning. We go back in six weeks for his vaccinations (yikes, we're both not going to like that).

We left the clinic & went out for breakfast. Logan just hung out in his carrier, sleeping the whole time. I think the events of the morning had worn him out. We got home just in time to feed him again. I'm glad that we made it home, because I'm not feeling very comfortable about feeding him in public yet. It's a shame that I feel that way, but I'm sure I'll get over it with time & practice.

OK, I'm feeling a little white trash.
Logan's first outing was to Wal-Mart. Of all of the places we could have gone, we went to Wal-Mart. Logan, I'm sorry that it wasn't a more fun & interesting place. On Sunday when Bill got home, I told him that I needed him to watch Logan while I went to go & get him a Valentine's Day card. I'm still on "house arrest" even though I'm feeling the best I've ever felt in 10 months. I've wanted to go out & join the land of the free & living ever since we've been home from the hospital. The nurse that came over to do Logan's 3 day check up suggested that we wait until he is 4 weeks old before we take him out, due to cold & flu season. Unless I start to feel like a hermit (which I am. I've been a house hostage for 4 months now), then I can go on quick outings. Bill wasn't comfortable taking him out yet...until I needed him to watch Logan without me there.

Logan has become a little more fussy as the days go on. Bill has even named him "Mr. Fussy Fuss". Yes, Logan's father named him that. I hope it sticks so that when he's 16 & mad that he can't take the car or what not, I can call him "Mr. Fussy Fuss" & make him even more mad (what a terrible mother I am). Because he's become Mr. Fussy Fuss, it makes Bill really unsure of what to do to sooth him. So, when I mentioned that I needed to go & get a card, he quickly said, "Well, let's all go. We'll make a family outing out of it". I didn't care, as long as I could get out of the house.

I got Logan dressed in some warm clothes & bundled him up in the car seat. My original plan wasn't to go to Wal-Mart to get a card. They have a terrible selection. I wanted to go to Target or even make a longer trip to the Hallmark store. But, with Bill & Logan along (& Bill driving), we went to the closest store. Wal-Mart. Logan slept the whole time & didn't make a peep. It felt strange venturing out into the world again, but this time with our little baby in tow. Tomorrow we go to Logan's 2 week Doctors appointment. Maybe we'll be brave & go out for breakfast afterward. This time the outing should be a little more interesting & a little less white trash.

There is a magical feeling that happens when a mother is holding her baby close.
I'm sure science can explain it by hormone releases & chemical reactions, but emotionally, it's magical. It's difficult to explain. I feel it most when Logan & I are tummy to tummy, skin to skin. But I feel it every time I hold him. There is a tingling sensation where it's almost like I can feel his soul & he can feel mine. It's amazing.

I had heard a bit of information on the addiction of touch a few years ago. It was about chemical reactions that happen when you touch someone you love. These reactions are almost like an addiction when processed in the brain. I definitely felt this when I would hold Bill's hand, or when we would hug & hold each other. I would feel a sensation of fullness where I would describe it as our souls becoming one. With Logan, this sensation is ten times stronger. This sensation isn't "our souls becoming one", but more like our souls are speaking to each other. It's on a completely different level.

My pregnancy, delivery & life with Logan is one of the most incredible, fulfilling times of my life. I can't believe there was ever a time where I was thinking about not having a baby. I'm glad that I snapped out of that one, because I couldn't imagine missing out on these experiences. The unconditional, unexplainable love that I have for this little baby makes up for all of the sickness, pain & discomforts of pregnancy & the challenges of life with a newborn. I have never felt love like this or have ever been so happy in all of my life. I have a wonderful husband & a cute little son. My life is feeling purposeful & complete. Finally.

Last night was a repeat of the night before.
But this time to get Logan to sleep, we had to sleep together on the futon (because I don't feel comfortable with him in the bed due to SIDS). After I was holding him all day, Bill got home late last night & took over. It didn't last very long. Bill seems to think that Logan doesn't like to be held by him. I just think Logan doesn't like to be away from me...already. I didn't think attachments like this started so young. Every time Bill would hold him, he would cry. Then I would come & pick him up & he would stop (sometimes it took some rocking effort though). I think Bill just needs a little more practice. He is still a bit timid when he holds him. Logan likes to be held close & tight & rocked quite vigorously. Bill almost thought I was inflicting "shaken baby syndrome" to which I replied "If that were the case, he would be screaming. Don't worry, his head is supported & he's not going to break. He gets nice & relaxed this way".

Bill had to get to bed earlier because of work, but tried to stay up with us. By 12:45 am, I told him that he should probably get to bed, it might be a while. Logan & I were up until 2:00 am (again). Every time I attempted to get up to get us to bed, he would wake right up. I finally decided that we were going to sleep upstairs in the loft on the futon. It's a really comfortable place to sleep & I'm not worried about SIDS on there. Logan fits nicely on his back in the crook of my arm with his head on my shoulder. It worked out really well. He woke up every 3 hours to eat & it was easy to get him back to sleep or calm him down if he got fussy. It was a lot less stressful than the night before. I just don't want this to become a habit. I like sleeping in my bed next to Bill. It feels really strange not being with him at night, especially since I don't see him at all during the day. we have a co-sleeper in the room, but it seems like Logan wants to be on top of me when he sleeps. Maybe he wants to be back inside the womb.

Logan has changed overnight.
He used to eat, get a diaper change & go back to sleep. This was the routine all day long. It was a nice routine. I could get things done, take long hot showers & get some good naps in (when I really felt like sleeping). Well, as of last night, he has decided that he's not that interested in sleep as much as he used to be. We went to bed around 11 ish, but Logan had a different plan. He (& I) didn't get to bed until after 2 am. The minute I put him down he would start to fuss. I would pick him back up, rock him to sleep & put him down again. Multiple times he would wake up just as I was getting to sleep. It was very frustrating. He also wet through 3 different outfits in an hour & a half. Being super cold in the house & half way naked that early in the morning sure didn't help him either.

This morning when he woke up, he has now decided that not only is he not going to sleep as much, but I have to hold him all of the time. He won't go into his crib to try & sleep. He won't chill out in the swing unless he feels like it. Mostly, he wants me to hold & carry him everywhere. I was making breakfast earlier today when I found out about his sudden change. I had to hold him while I ate my waffles. Talk about tricky. I would look down at him & see that he was asleep & try to put him down, but the minute I got up he would wake up again. I hope this means that he's going to sleep longer at night.

It's amazing that things can change so fast. Just as we were getting used to a routine, I have to problem solve & develop a new one. I had figured out the breast feeding situation, now I have to figure out the sleeping & napping situation. The tools that I have, like the swing & the binky aren't as reliable as they used to be either. I have to come up with new tools & coping techniques. Being a mom is a job that requires real skills. I feel like if I can do this, I can do anything.

The timing of his change is a little funny too. This is the first day that Bill had to go back to work. He is the glue that holds that gym together. Things were starting to fall apart while he was on his "vacation" (which it really was for him). Because he was going back to work, I didn't want to wake him up to help me last night. I also don't have a helping hand to cut up my waffles as I hold Logan or watch him while I brush my teeth & take a shower. This is the first day of the real thing. The stay at home mom routine. I think my left arm is going to get stronger than my right from holding Logan all of the time & I'm becoming more efficient at doing things one handed, until we get our Baby Bjorn. Then I'll be able to strap him on & do some stuff around the house. What a little monkey he is.

There is a big difference between mothering & fathering.
Mothering is a natural instinct. When Logan cries, it's like I automatically know what to do. I can pretty much tell what he wants & needs all of the time. It's almost like he's an extension of me. Fathering on the other hand is "on the job training". I can see why most fathers don't get involved with taking care of a newborn. It's very frustrating for them. They don't have a clue what to do.

Bill is hanging in there really well. I know that he gets frustrated, but he never gives up. He says he doesn't know how to get the baby to sleep, but he'll still hold & rock him at night. He still holds the baby very cautiously, like he's going to break (where I feel like a monkey, slinging their baby around with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm careful, but confident). I think that the majority of the frustration comes from Logan being fussy mostly when he's hungry, so that's where I have to come in. Bill is a master diaper changer & swaddler though. He's also the person that keeps me grounded & talks sense into me (like when I freak out about Logan spitting up so much & want to call the Doctor. He calms me down & assures me that everything is ok, which it is). I'm really glad he's being patient. He's such a great dad.

Wow, I had no clue.
Everyone says that you do a lot of laundry when you have kids, but I didn't think that it would be this much. Other than feeling like a dairy cow, I also feel like I own a laundromat. Between his spitting up & leaky diapers, he goes through 4-5 different outfits (onesie & a sleeper or jumper), 7-8 burp cloths & 2-3 blankets a day. We like to call these "costume changes".

We noticed something funny about those costume changes too. We try to find the most simple, easy to put on & take off outfits. Forget about all of the cute clothes, like the 3 piece outfits, that we found at boutiques & other baby departments. We used to get so excited about finding those outfits too. It's all about being practical right now. My how priorities change. I'll get him dressed in those cute clothes soon, maybe when we have company or decide to venture out in 3-4 weeks (when his immune system is a little bit stronger). But for now, I'm keeping it to the basics. He still looks really cute though.

Here is the birth announcement that Bill finished last night.
I'm really glad that he knows about graphic arts & how to use photoshop. It saved us a lot of money & how cool is to say that you actually made the announcement too.

Well, last night was interesting.
Lesson number one: start watching the clock when Logan is eating. They say not to, but I think that applies to women who's milk flow is normal. I wasn't paying attention & just letting him finish on each side. Well, he got too full & outright puked everywhere. It reminded me of a frat boy who dared to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. Yes, there was that much volume coming out. Shocked, I just looked at the mess all over me, soaked to my underwear, the cloth diaper soaked all the way through, the computer chair soaked & huge puddles on the floor. I felt really bad.

Earlier tonight I decided to pump & see how much he was getting. In a loose 10 minutes I was able to get 3 oz. The breast pump doesn't express as much as a baby would either. I researched a little on the net to see how much he should be able to eat. The maximum capacity of his stomach at this age is about 1.5-2 oz. Well, no wonder why he's spitting up (or throwing up) all of the time. He eats for about 10 minutes...on each side. I am officially a dairy cow with an over production of milk. Now I've figured out how to slow things down & make it easier for him to eat. So far, so good. Thank God for the internet!

My baby boy is growing up so fast....ALREADY!
I swear, every time I wake him up, he looks older & bigger. It's freaky. It makes me very happy that I'm staying home with him, otherwise if I were to drop him off at daycare, I would feel like I was picking up what seemed like a different child everyday.

He is starting to smile & make all sorts of faces. There is the grumpy man face, the wide eyed surprised face & my favorite, the scrunched up-don't put that binky in my mouth face, which is the same as the I'm going to bite you really hard when I'm eating face. I didn't think that was supposed to happen until he was six weeks old. He's six days. He smiles at me all the time, especially after eating. I tested it out to make sure it wasn't a fluke (or gas) & it's not. He & Bill were sticking their tongues out at each other last night too. It was pretty cute.

Logan is a typical boy. Messy is the only word to describe him. That & he eats all of the time in mass quantities. The nurse who came by to do a check up on him yesterday weighed him on the scale. He's gained 6 oz. in 3 days. She confirmed that I had enough milk for triplets & that he was eating well. My Aunt Meg & cousins had sent a "baby shower in a box" with all sorts of great gifts. One of them was a pack of cloth diapers. I was thrilled because they are the perfect size to catch his spit up, leaky breast milk & the now often "trifecta of chaos"-stream of pee accompanied with spit up everywhere while trying to catch a new batch of poop after I've already taken off the dirty diaper. He also can't seem to keep his hands off of his little johnson as well. Typical boy.

What an experience so far!
There are many skills that help to have when you are a new mom. Patience, flexibility, creativity & the ability to multi task, just to name a few. Last night was a time to practice creativity & multi tasking.

Logan has his little quirks. He will not eat if he has a messy diaper (I don't blame him). However, he never cries to let us know that he needs to be changed. I don't find out until I wake him up to eat & by that time he's ready & hungry. I usually end up changing him, feeding him & then changing him again. So last night he needed to eat, get a bath & a diaper change all at the same time. He wouldn't eat with the messy diaper, but was too hungry to take a bath first & I was trying to be frugal with the diapers (because he's going through so many of them). So, I take off the diaper, wipe him down & drape a wash cloth between his legs. He was ready to eat then. I thought it was pretty smart, until he pooped (which made me jump) & then he peed on me. Bill thought that was pretty funny.

Is it just me, or is this whole baby thing really easy?
Our transition home has been a piece of cake. I don't know if I have a really good baby (which I think he is anyway) or people complain about a whole lot of nothing. We are on a nice little routine where Logan eats every 2-3 hours durring the day & every 3-4 hours at night. He is not only the eating champion of the hospital, but now the pooping champion of the house. This kid is doubling the "standard" number of diaper changes for his age & I've never done so much laundry in all of my life. What an over achiever!

My milk came in yesterday & let's just say that if I ever get augmented, I'll know what I'll look like. The engorgement was so bad that I slept with ice packs on my chest. It didn't really hurt, but more so felt like they were going to explode. They've settled down a bit today however, they now leak at the drop of a hat. I'm getting the feeling that I have enough milk for triplets. It's been so much that Logan eats too much & spits up often. He had a projectile spit up that startled me last night & a smaller one that came out of his nose this morning. Yummy, I know. I'm starting to carry a burping cloth with me at all times now.

We also had Bill's mom & sister visiting this weekend. I'm glad that it was just a few days, because I did get that "crazy over protective" feeling while they were here. Not so much with his sister, but with his mom. The only time I ever touched Logan was when he needed to eat & get his diaper changed. Otherwise he was taken hostage. I kept telling myself in the back of my head to not freak out, she lives in another state & is only going to see him a handful of times during the year (unless they end up moving out here). The craziness did put me on edge with a few breast feeding comments though.

A few minutes before they arrived, I changed Logan's diaper, but then he proceeded to pee all over (even being covered). So I got him cleaned up with a sponge bath, but he was getting upset because he was hungry. They got here just as I was getting him dressed & ready to eat. He eats for about 10 minutes on each side & 5 minutes into it Bill's mom yells out "Are you done yet? Cause I'm ready to hold him!" For cryin' out loud, I know it's exciting & all, but calm down. All I could do is roll my eyes & tell her that he will be finished in 15 minutes. Meanwhile I can hear them talking about diaper changes & poop consistency & she says "well, that's what you can expect from a breast fed baby", almost like it's a bad thing.

Later that afternoon, it was getting close to the time that Logan needed to eat. He was comatose (he probably gets that from me) & I needed to wake him up. When I explained that he needed to eat, she looked at me & quickly said, "He's not awake yet". I was just a little annoyed when I explained that he's on a schedule & if I don't wake him up, he'll sleep for hours on end (to which I would be up all night long). The straw that almost broke the camels back was after dinner when I was dealing with spit up & engorgement, she commented about how "that's the difficult thing about breast feeding, you never know how much they are getting". To which I exclaimed (most likely with a little edge in my tone), "I'm not going to formula feed, at all". I think she got it because afterward she was saying how good breast feeding was for Logan.

I was really anxious at the end of the night when he needed to eat again ( this time she got the hint). However, she took forever to try & wake him up, very slowly undressing him & quietly calling his name (which in no way was going to do anything but take up time) the meanwhile my chest almost rock solid with pressure. I was proud of myself for keeping my composure while ringing my hands & quietly taking deep breaths.

Everyone left this afternoon & now I can finally hold & cuddle my baby. It's strange how strong the mothering instinct is. I really hope that it's not going to be like this every visit, because they are coming back in two weeks.

Logan's first pictures

Kristin & Logan Hanging out after a bath

A couple of Logan's first bath pictures

Making a funny face while getting changed

Looking cute

At the hospital

Mom & baby recovering after a lot of work & excitement

Logan is finally here!!!!!
He was born Tuesday, January 31st at 7:59 pm. Weighing in at 7 lbs 3 oz., 18 1/2 inches long & a 13 3/4 inch head.

Tuesday morning after being in the tub forever, Bill came home & brought me breakfast. I actually ate it in the tub. I just couldn't seem to leave the comfort of the water. When I did (because I was turning into a prune), I would climb into bed & try to sleep (yeah, right). When a contraction hit, I was on all fours on the bed, swaying back & forth. After it ended I tried to lay on my side to rest. I alternated between the bed & the tub until about 12:30 pm. Then it really hit me. While in the tub, I was in so much pain all I could do is moan & that wasn't even helping. Then I got sick. Really sick. So much for breakfast. I called out for Bill, "Let's go now!" I thought I was in transition & might not make it to the hospital in time. He started getting the rest of the bag packed & I got dressed (leaving the house without a jacket) & we were on the road.

We get to the hospital & the labor & delivery parking lot is full. We notice a couple of women just hangin out in their car. Bill honks at them & asks if they are waiting for someone. "No, we're just smoking", says the driver. "Can you move? I'm in labor!" I yelled at her. Parking in a laboring woman's parking spot is worse than parking in the hadicaped place. We get parked & Bill helps me out of the car. I can barely walk. It feels like I've been stabbed with a sword in my side. We get up to the desk to check in & there's no receptionist. I'm leaning over the counter moaning & a nurse walks out & gets a wheel chair for me. We get into the labor room & the same great nurse that saw me the night before came in to check my progression. She asked if I was going to get an epidural. "If I don't have that much farther to go, then I want to try it without". So she checks & tells me that I'm 3 cm. "Shit! You've got to be kidding me! With all of that work at home?!" Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled. So I readily agreed to the epidural.

The anesthesiologist comes in to get me set up. The contractions were right on top of the other & I wasn't getting much of a break. He gave me the local (which was really painful) & then got everything started. Just as he had finished, my water broke. All I can say is THANK GOD for modern medicine. If I didn't have the epidural, contractions after the waters are broken get more difficult. The timing was perfect. The medicine kicked in & it was like heaven. I could relax & breath & everything seemed more controlled. A couple of hours later I got checked again & was now at 5 cm. Bill & I took a nap & when we woke up & got checked again, I was at 10 cm. "You can start pushing whenever you want", said the Doctor surprizingly. I could feel Logan moving farther & farther down with each contraction (that I didn't feel). I decided to let him move down on his own & let things stretch out a bit. So we did "passive decent" for about 30-45 minutes until I felt like he was right there. I never really had the urge to push, but I did feel like he was "slipping" out.

I got checked again & everyone was surprised that he was right there. I pushed for 30-45 minutes. The pushing went well even though I couldn't really feel the muscles that I was supposed to use. The next thing I know, they have all of the room set up & out he comes, just like that. They put him on my stomach & clean him up. Bill is in tears, I'm just shocked & extatic. It was the most surreal experience of my life. All of a sudden, here is this little person who seemed to be my "imaginary friend" for so long, looking at me. They stitch me up (I had a 2nd degree tear) & they check Logan out. He was perfect. 8 & 9 apgar scores, he wasn't blue (which is unusual for high altitude births) & he made the most expressive faces. He latched on to feed 15 minutes after he was born & has never stopped eating since.

We were moved to the Mother & Baby unit to recover. I felt great. Tired, thirsty & starving, but great. The first night went well. I didn't sleep much because Logan was cluster feeding every hour. I didn't seem to bother me or tire me out though. The next morning all of the Doctors, nurses & staff come in & out to do their stuff. We talked to the lactation specialist about Logan constantly eating. She said that he was the feeding champion of the hospital that day & if all babies ate like him, she would be out of a job. So that was good! Bill & I were talking about leaving that afternoon, but many people suggested that we stay. The nurse from our insurance company actually cancelled the circumcision for the day & said that it would be best to stay another night even if I felt fine. I am so glad that we took their advice. Logan was up crying all night (very gassy on both ends) & we were at our wits end. I hit my breaking point. After practically no sleep since Sunday, hormones changing, body healing & baby crying (which really does affect moms emotionally) & cried along with him. If we were at home, I probably would have freaked out. Because we were at the hospital with a team of nurses that I could call at the drop of a hat, it was much more comforting.

We stayed all of the next day for a total of 48 hours. It was the best decision that we could have made. I felt much more confident about taking care of him & how I was healing up. Every hour just gets better & better. Now that we are home, it really is starting to feel like we are a family. The dogs have been good. Beck is oblivious to anything & Buddha had an automatic babysitter instinct kick in. He barks when Logan cries, but it's more of a "concerned" bark than anything. Kitty didn't know what to think at first, but she has now become a great help in keeping Logan awake when he eats (he's terrible about instantly falling asleep latched on). She will sniff him & lick his hair, but mostly just kicks back & watches. She was pretty upset that she won't be sleeping with us anymore though. She tried to break into the room all night long.

So today was our first "real" day at home & I think everything will be all right. We are getting the hang of day & night time routines & getting settled in. What an adventure! But I would do it all over again (so far).